Day 224 - Learning to Trust the Physical

Learning to trust the physical is an interesting part of process.  When we drop all the fears we were living as/within before, we realize that we can no longer trust those mental ideas we had once placed so much of ourselves into.  We cannot trust experiences, because they are over as soon as they start, and so they do not  provided any lasting solution.  We cannot trust our expectations, because our expectations very rarely materialize the way we expect them too, thus untrustworthy.  We cannot trust our dreams, as that would be foolishly and blindly trusting in some higher power.   Besides that, look where all the dreams of humanity have brought us to... a planet and race on the brink of total collapse and annihilation?  Dreams are certainly untrustworthy then.  We cannot trust our feelings and we definitely cannot trust our thoughts.  Thoughts have an arbitrary origin and only serve the mind of pre-programmed beliefs and egotistical opinions.  Thoughts also produce feelings which, like an addictive drug, keep use enslaved to serving our own self interest rather than living in common sense as what is Best for All.

We cannot trust what our parents, friends, and teachers taught us, as we eventually realize that all of that indoctrination and add-vice was spoken in a desire to manipulate us into a certain behavior   Obviously the mind cannot be trusted, as the mind exists in fear, fearing for its own survival.   The mind seeks to avoid any and all responsibility - because if we were to actually take responsibility for ourselves and all life, the mind would have no place to exist.  The mind is the point of separation, which exists in conflict with the physical.

What if we were to place our complete trust in ourselves, as the physical?  What would it be like to walk every day in complete trust of oneself with no fear, expressing oneself in full responsibility and accountability towards all Life?  What would it be like, to not be enslaved to a government, or a corporation, or a fear, or a system, or a thought, or any feelings?  Who would I be, if I was not enslaved?  Is there a limit on what I could be and what I could not be?  Obviously, I am not the only one in existence here, so I must first do whatever is required to support all life Equally as myself, so as to sustain my own existence and the existence of others eternally.

Trusting the physical seems very strange, yet it is such a relief from all the fear.  I am here, and I express myself based on what is here as me.  I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be created as, and in that way, I learn how to direct myself from the starting point of breath.   I realize how critical it is to be fully aware of every decision I make, and the consequences thereof.... As I now see the horrible path that irresponsibility, denial, positive feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires has lead me on.

Join the Desteni I Process   

Day 200 - The Fear God System

We have all had our secret dealings with the Fear God.  The fear of not knowing, and not understanding the unknown.  Now that we have come to understand the limitations of knowledge and information, and how knowledge was created by all as a reflection of existence, self, we can now see and realize the starting point - and the consequence - of giving more value to knowledge than to Life itself.  All this time we have been looking in the mirror of knowledge in our mind, and thinking the images perceived were 'me', when they were just reflections, reflections of ourselves in fear.

Finally one day I overdosed on fear, and could take no more. I faced the great Fear God, and made peace with it.  "OK Fear God,  please take my fears away... I will do anything".  I was grateful that I was no longer on the 'bad' side of the Fear God, and could now experience the 'good' side of fear, because we had an agreement, a relationship which I thought and believed I could trust.

I did not recognize however, that this was not the first time.  I had always been in a relationship with the Fear God.  The same pattern was there repeating itself all along, only now it seemed so much more profound, as if it were the first, and last time.  All the reassurances were there, the words, the feelings, the love, the hope, the anticipation, the excitement,  the energy... it felt so good!!  The belief that I was better than they were, because they didn't know of my secret agreement, was exhilarating!  I was so much better than those on the bad side of the Fear God, who had no relationship or agreement with fear.  Eventually however, and somewhat to my amazement, I came to realize that everyone had a secret relationship with the Fear God, and most were not even aware of it.  And so slowly, the Fear God grew stronger in power, until it controlled everyone.

The Fear God, like a disease, is a master at infiltrating, occupying, and possessing everything, feeding of every last drop of energy we have surrendered to it.  It is like the machine which has no consideration for anyone or anything, but to keep itself running, in fear.  Everyone now bows, serves, and surrenders to the Fear God.  The System.  The Fear God System is now everywhere, and there is nowhere to hide from the Fear God system, because we all created the Fear God System, we are the creators of fear... we are the Fear God Systems.

There is no point in fighting the bitter and agonizing consequences we all face, they are already here, and that would only empower the Fear God System and create more fear.  The only way to stop the Fear God System is to take responsibility to stand and support the one solution.  Equality - as the Equal Life Foundation and Equal Money Capitalism.  Join the Journey to Life.

178 - Self Support Blog of a Blog

This evening I read  A Psychologist's Journey to Life : 

Day 305: The Relationship between Self and Environment

I noticed some points were relevant  so I made a self-support video to walk myself through the points through speaking.  I then watched my self support video and made the observations and wrote out the points that needed to be addressed for myself. 

Small is in the big, big in small

Consequence in all that I do

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of disregarding the small moments, not considering the “small” moments as of less value and therefore creating an accumulation effect through disproportionate valuation of myself within the unequal valuation of the 'small' and 'big' moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to external pressures and not push myself beyond my minds limitations to transcend my perceived limitations that I have been programmed to believe about myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my relationship to my environment (through my mind) to influence me and direct me to go into mind states of irritability, restlessness and feelings of being trapped.  When and as I sense myself feeling irritable, restless, or trapped, I stop and clear my starting point to here within the realization that it is a mind state and I simply need to push through the point through doing something practical and supportive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that 'at least I tried' within the projection of myself into my future in order to appease myself and comfort myself in the fear of failure - and so within that make myself believe that I am better than others because I 'tried'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to challenge myself in all areas in my life and my mind creations, using the justification that I am trying or doing my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea in my mind about doing something and then feel good about it, but then do not even actually do that thing that I thought of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the feel good experience within myself while doing my blogs, and then forget what I wrote about the next day.  I realize I need to go over my blogs the next morning to solidify and clarify the points within myself until I transcend the point altogether. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by self-interest as irritability and so hesitate and postpone things that need to be done, and so go into idleness and self-indulgence within myself as a point of submission to resistances and the desire to serve self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'zone out' of myself, creating a distance between myself and the moment here, as the mind, neglecting my responsibility to be here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as slavery and drudgery within myself (I have wrote this before – rewriting it for myself) and so deny myself opportunities to grow and expand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despair at the point of work within the projection that I will have to work for the rest of my life in situations I really do not enjoy., thus fearing my mind's projection, which is not here. 

I commit myself to regard all moments as equal and so accumulate myself to stand equal to all as myself in each moment. 

I commit myself to push myself more in my preconceived ideas where I have imposed limitations on myself. 

I commit myself to direct myself as opposed to allowing myself to be directed and controlled by my relationship to my environment. 

I commit myself to stop being influenced by future projections. 

I commit myself to do what is here - within the realization that there are no excuses

I commit myself to give to others as I would like to receive

I commit myself to stop postponing myself, and to investigate for myself the starting points of postponement when and as I see them in the moment. 

Day 88 - Self Reflection

The feelings of frustration and regret hit me this evening as I reflected on how I managed to arrive where I am now.  "Why didn't I do this... "   "Why didn't I do that... " as I hopelessly wished for a time machine to take me back 25 years so I could correct myself.   Then comes the guilt and blame "Why didn't anyone help me understand..."  Why did people lie to me..."   The demon wants to go back and Rage.  Futile.  I accepted a lie within myself... We all did.

So I am here with no other option but to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and that daily medicine is somewhat painful to swallow.

I had so much potential and opportunity.  I could have done anything.  But there was this 'thing' within me which I did not understand.  So I allowed myself to play the fool, and the victim, and a host of other characters without ever realizing the critical piece I was missing. 

Self-acceptance. 

Finally, I understand... yet much of my life has been spent in the searching. 

I thought I understood myself.  I understood in my own way, from 'my limited perspective'.  All I could see was Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies everywhere, as my inner battle with the Balrog raged inside me as Self-denial, I feared losing myself as Anger and the Bitterness of Blame pulverized and consumed me from the inside.   

Some thought I was a stupid and a fool, and I understood that, yet I did not understand how to solve that problem for myself.  I just assumed that was "just the way it was", I figured I had to be that way, and I would figure myself out eventually. No way could I confide in anyone or share what I Really felt, the feelings were all too strange and awkward, suppressed deep within myself.  And I didn't trust anyone anyway.  

I could not grasp a purpose for myself, or a place.  My father told me "I had no direction"... to which I had no answer.  Which way do you choose when everything is fucked and you have no starting point?  I felt like flotsam, moved only by the waves of the ocean.

Why do we not realize such things until it is too late to change?  Why do we live our lives in reverse?
Why is life so unforgiving?  Is Life stupid, and a fool?  I often thought old people must know what the hell is going on.  Why weren't they telling and sharing with everyone?  Why are they hiding all their understanding and keeping it a secret?

I sit here and think how easy it could have been, if only I had understood Self-acceptance. If only there was some honesty and accountability in life.  Some actual Life-support. 

Thinking is Futile and will not change the past. I am here now, and being aware of all the deception I am determined to expose it, so others can see for themselves while they have an opportunity to change themselves and this world of Lies.   We must accept ourselves as who we are, but that can only be real if we realize who we really are as Equal, and that the only way out of this huge mess is self-honesty and self-forgiveness, lots of self-forgiveness.  Because Life is not just for taking, or hiding, or about denying oneself.  Life is for Giving in self-honesty.  If Life is given, but not in self-honesty, then it is not truly given.  It's finally time to stop living the lie.

Day 37 - Childhood Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow in the footsteps, actions, manners and behaviors of my father, in thinking that my father was god and could do no wrong. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my father around seeking his attention, validation and protection in fear of my survival, thinking that my father actually loved and cared for me, when in fact his caring for me and my caring for him were both in self-interest because neither of us considered caring from the starting point of all as Equal, thus our caring limited to selfish desires based in fear of facing the truth of who we are, therefore all caring was in vain and only made matters worse for ourselves and the rest of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and please my father in an effort to get recognition and be seen as special and important in the eyes of my father so that I could participate in the belief that I was special or important in some way and so differentiate myself from others as a self-created hero in my mind, in the belief that I was somehow better, and in so create a good feeling within myself.  In seeing this, I realize that I was merely abusing myself in fear of facing who I am as Equal and so passing off my responsibility to express myself unconditionally as Equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to smile and be happy around my father trying to hide the fears I had of expressing myself with a sm-LIE.  I realize how much I compromised myself in developing a patter/habit of suppressing my fears and hiding myself from myself so as not to have to deal with the real issue - which was obvious fear and spitefulness of myself and existence as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy the patterns of my father in fear of expressing myself for myself and as myself, in the interest of all rather than self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was separate from my world and my reality, not realizing that I am actually a part of existence and my reality, and therefore responsible to speak, act and support myself as all life as opposed to my own self-interest. In realizing this, I realize that I must face all my fears when I am confronted with them within myself or within others so that I may expose and deconstruct all fears within self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to change myself, my world and my reality into that which is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fathers reactions to me expressing myself unconditionally as a child.  In so, I refrained from expressing myself and what was truly going on within myself, allowing fear to dominate me and subdue and suppress me into a personality construct of trying to please others and make other people happy so that I could apparently escape my fears.  I realize there is no escaping myself and I have to undo what I have done as submission to and being dominated by fear of who I really am.


I commit myself to change myself completely no matter what it takes so that I can undo all the fears, spite and suppression that I allowed within my life experience and in so free myself and free others in my world and reality from the domination of fear and spite.

I commit myself to confront my fears immediately when I encounter them so that I do not allow fear to direct and control me in any way.  In so doing, I direct myself in what is best for me, my world and existence as a whole without making any excuses, as there is no excuse for why I can not stand for life in any and all situations.

I commit myself to pushing my limitations and transcending my past programming which is of the mind as that of seeking attention as a diversion from myself here, as who I am as Equal to my world and my reality.

I commit myself to persevere in pushing my resistances which will show me where I am still allowing separation and fear to dominate, control and enslave me and my world and reality.

I commit myself to expose the cruelty and superficiality of what is considered caring in this world through fam-I-LIES.  This family caring and so called 'love' is not caring or love at all, but spiteful, existing within the polarity of love and hate in fear of facing ourselves for real as who we really are.

Day 22 - Emotions Energy and My Physical Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to be directed and controlled by personal 

emotions and feelings, in that I have allowed myself  

to create emotions and feelings based on fear-of-loss 

and fear-of-death, not realizing within myself that I 

am responsible for stopping those feelings and 

emotions from raping and controlling me, so that I 

can stand for life as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to believe that I was separate from my reality 

and therefore justify my emotional reactions as 

'defending myself' from my self-created fears through 

separation whereas I viewed my mind as the totality 

of me in not wanting to equally take responsibility for 

All of the me's that I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to fuel my emotional reactions with thought 

energy and picture projections in my mind as 

justifications for those fears, when all along, those 

pictures were not the actuality of the situation, but a 

false representation presented so that I could remain 

enslaved to my fears.   And the energy is what I have

allowed myself to become addicted to as addiction to 

fear, through me fearing myself and attempting to 

comfort and escape myself.  It is obvious that I cannot

escape myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to extensively judge and condemn myself in 

guilt, shame, and regret in an attempt to punish 

myself for how consequences manifested in my life, 

rather than slow myself down within breath, and 

realize and understand how I was accepting and 

allowing undesirable consequences in my life 

experience and how I could realize the patterns I was 

creating and stop them from re-occurring. Within that,

I commit myself to change myself to stand in self-

responsibility to myself AND all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to blame others for my own emotional and 

feeling reactions, and the painful consequences that I 

experienced within my physical body.  In that I realize

that I neglected the experience of myself by neglecting

the fact that my physical body was specifically showing

me that I was not being honest with myself as I was 

trying to be a hero and appear as 'a good guy' to 

others by acting as an 'energy garbage collector' and 

thus attempting to purify everything through my mind,

rather than actually stand as an Equal and share 

responsibility with everyone through allowing 

everyone work out their own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to place my trust in others and the advice of 

others before trusting myself as seeing myself as the 

point of responsibility in understanding myself and my

reality wherein I am capable of seeing - what is best 

for all is best for me - rather than trying to collect 

knowledge and information and so use it to gain power

over others as a false god of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to think and believe the idea that my physical 

body is the personal property of my mind in which I 

have to defend through fear of losing my personal 

property.  I realize that while we are within this 

current system, place and time, it is common sense to

defend my body if physically threatened. My physical 

body is my primary point of responsibility as the 

vehicle where I learn to stand and express myself as a 

responsible steward-in-training until I am perfectly 

standing Equal to my physical body in standing as the

living expression of what is best for all life in all ways.

In that I realize that much abusiveness and delusion 

exists within our world, therefore I commit myself to 

take responsibility for my body, in not accepting 

and allowing my physical body to be subjected to 

abuse, harm or false sentiments of those who are 

ignorant and/or unaware of the consequences of 

inequality and of being subject/slave to a mind which 

only seeks its own self-interest at the expense of Life 

as a whole.

I will not trade Life for a bowl of soup. 

Image of an inside view of a heart

from http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/photos/heart/#/inside-heart_1008_600x450.jpg