Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation

This morning I woke up and there was strong energies running through my body, it felt like a form of positively charged excitement.  I had worked strenuously the previous day and there was some slightly 'positive' potential opportunities that opened up. I could not sit and focus myself, so I lay down in bed to ground them and ended up falling asleep.    

I am often inundated with strong, energetically charged feelings early in the morning, either positive or negative.  I attribute this to the fact that I see so many possibilities as ideas in my mind, and through this I create within myself desires to experience and express myself, or alternatively, if I feel that my situation is preventing me from expanding myself, I experience strong negative energetic resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to write out the issue for myself and so allow a cycle to pass without pushing the resistance, and so have to face it again in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by positive/negative/neutral energies which have been programmed into myself through the mind as desires and fears of facing and directing myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see energetic feelings within myself controlling me, to stop and breathe and write out exactly what it is I am experiencing within myself so that I can sort out what is the starting point and apply self-forgiveness on the problem so that I may stop it at its source and no longer allow myself to be controlled by the thoughts/feelings/emotions.

When I went to see a tarot card reader a number of years ago, she confirmed that I was heavily influenced by emotions, which I admit I have been throughout my life.  Through my extensive self-suppression and denial (as well as fear of losing moments in time), I created a strong desire within myself to experience every moment to its utmost capacity.  Each time I was rejected or put down, I took it personally and hard, suppressing the feeling deep within myself until eventually, at some point I would explode in anger.  Never realizing and being reluctant to face myself and what I was creating myself as - which was a form of desperation - Justified by the 'good' character I created in my mind.

Desperately grasping at fleeting moments and memories, trying to squeeze out as much joy as possible
Desperately believing in a magical place I could one day escape to, and everything would be real, fun, and full of joy.
Desperately clinging to hopes of a happy ending.
Desperately hiding and avoiding who I was in my own fear of myself.
Desperately wishing people would like me.
Desperately blaming and hating the world in attempt to justify my own self-denial.
Desperately wanting someone to understand me.
Desperately angry with myself and punishing myself to justify my good, humble character  


So the starting point of all this desperation is fear of myself and not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out of desperation in fear of myself, neglecting to face the starting point of why I was so desperately angry with myself, which was because I accepted and allowed many self-judgments, believing them to be 'who I was' as less than and not 'wise' or 'intelligent' enough to understand how reality functions.   In that I also never considered specifically forgiving myself and correcting myself to that I could let go of all the anger and desperation and express myself without fear.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp at fleeting moments and memories in attempt to squeeze out as much joy as possible without realizing that grasping at the illusion in ignorance and fear is not the answer to myself, I must realize, accept, forgive the past, and face of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a magical place somewhere which I can one day escape to, where everything will be real, fun, and full of joy.  I realize here is the only place I can exist, and there is no-where else, but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a happy ending.  I realize that hope is a useless idea without practical application in doing what is necessary to be done.  Therefore here is where I must create myself and my world as the best it can be for everyone, not just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid who I am as a physical being, Equal to all that exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish people would like me in a mind-diversion and attempt to escape the responsibility of accepting and embracing myself through self-realization, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate the world as a diversion of my own self-denial.  I realize my responsibility is to first correct myself so that I may be effective in changing myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to understand me when it is my responsibility to make the effort to understand myself, as no one will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and punish myself.  I realize that these are not solutions to my problems, and only further suppress the problem and make things worse.  Self-forgiveness and self-correction are the only way to solve myself and assist myself to stand Equal to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefore change myself to become self-honest and live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people on 'my side' as if to make an excuse within myself as to why I cannot move myself by myself.  Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'better than' others, as someone who is knowledgeable, wise, intelligent, honest, true, smart, funny or someone who knows the answers to everything.  I realize that thoughts such as these create a polarized reaction through thoughts/feelings and emotions and only serve to subvert the process of realization that we are all realizing and becoming Equal and so each of us have a responsibility and an Equally valid part to contribute.

Self help and support available at Eqafe.com

The Informer

 Day 77

To say that I 'gossip' is informal, derogatory, and inappropriate.  As the Informer, it is my job to inform you, so that you are aware of my secret information I prudently pass to you, so that you may be informed of the knowledge and power I possess.  I offer it as my gift to you, so that you too may possess yourself with my power.

As Master Informer, I hereby grant you, the informant, the powers of spite and corruption, so that we, in con-tract agreement together, may manipulate knowledge and information for our combined benefit, in spite of the truth.  Herein we, by our own declaration of authority and authenticity, as the owners and rulers of this power of knowledge and information, may pass judgement over others, as we have stated our authority as Masters of knowledge and information here in writing.

As the Informer, I command that you, the Informant wield this power at will - which is my will... and please do not question my authority. If you do, I will inform others about you, and you will be punished, ostracized, and labeled shameful - as all fear my authority and power, and so they will hasten to do my bidding.  Without my knowledge and power, yours will become corrupt and void, because I will reiterate my authority over you in writing, and use it to control and harm you by force. 

As the Informer, I expect you to inform others so that they too may form ideas, and opinions, on the knowledge and information I provide to you. 

As the Informer, I promise to grant you more and more power, if you obey me, and seek more of me, and lead others to me, so that I, we, may subdue them also.  That is your reward.

As the Informer, I have the power to withhold information and knowledge from you when I feel it necessary, so that I may keep you in fear of not knowing, fearing the unknown, in fear of being UN-informed.  Without my knowledge and information, you will become powerless.

As the Informer, I promise to tell you of all that you need to know, so that you may become an in-tell-agent as me, and feel as powerful as a God... with the power to destroy life.

As the Informer, I command you to bow your ear to me and pay attention, I will be your Source of information.  If you obey my commands, I will speak sweetly about you, kind words to compliment you, so that you may know my knowledge, and Worship my information.  If you do not obey my knowledge, I will make you beg for more of my information, as my information is power, energy, and your Salvation.  If your begging pleases me, then perhaps I will grant you access to more and more of my secret information, as your personal ticket to information heaven.

As the Informer, I will tell you the informant, more of my secrets, even my top-secret, classified information, so that you may become an Informer as myself.  Know that you are very important to me, as I require something of you in exchange for me imparting billions of ones and zero's of my information into your being.

As the Informer, I will entertain and seduce you with all my emotional programs of Love and Hate, I will fill you with emotional memories of the past, yours free, to access at any time you wish.  I will be your dealer, and you my insatiable, slave-addict.

As the Informer, I hereby grant you new Titles, Designations, Definitions, Personalities, Value systems, Characters, and every Imaginable Justification you can conceive.  You will become like myself - free of all responsibility, untouchable, and eventually you will attain the power of invisibility.

As the Master Informer, I command that you must always be subject to me.  In agreeing to this, I will pro-miss to protect you, I pro-miss to free you from judgment, shame, and consequence.  Remember that it pleases me that you wallow in all my endless feelings and emotions.  Is it not your primary desire to be happy?  Surely it would please you to know that I hold the key to all your personal dreams and happiness. It is my desire that you be filled with my happiness and joy programs.  Care for me, and I will happily take all worry and caring from you, and I will make you wealthy.

Sign Here: ___________________


Please see my next post: Self Forgiveness on The Informer

Day 71 - Self-Responsibility to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a character of responsibility of myself rather than stand as self-responsibility as myself here in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my responsibilities through postponement, in not wanting to face points within myself that require direction.  In doing so, I realize that I am abdicating my responsibility to myself and denying myself self-responsibility as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my responsibility to life, but through my opinion of responsibility, I fooled myself into believing that I was responsible and so never pushed myself to the point of actually living responsibility as myself here in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see responsibility as something separate from me here in each moment, wherein, I could easily deny self-responsibility because I could always fall back on my character as the idea that I was responsible, yet unless I live responsibility here in each moment, I am not yet fully responsible to life, but only taking part of my responsibility, and so accepting myself as 'less than' through my belief of me as a character of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that me being here in every breath is the point of self-responsibility, where I am not acting within a predefined idea of what responsibility is, but rather deal with each situation that manifests in my reality so I can deal with it here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prepare myself for taking responsibility through thinking "what would I do if" and so then imagining how my character would portray himself in the movie of my mind which is not real.  I realize that me walking in breath moment to moment is the act of taking responsibility to stop my mind of thoughts and to stop being directed by feelings and emotions which only serve the illusion of me as a character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fake responsibility through thoughts of how I could be responsible in my mind, thus bolstering my mind characters ego and creating another layer of myself in my mind which has to be investigated, stopped, cleared through self-forgiveness, and walked out of in corrective application so that I can stop time-looping myself into oblivion.

I commit myself to push myself to take on more responsibilities for myself so that I can walk myself into changing and challenging myself rather than being charged with the consequences of not taking self-responsibility for myself as all as Equal.

I commit myself to create myself as the living word in the flesh

I commit myself re-define myself through words until no more definition is required, as all is Equal, and undefinable.

I commit myself to stop all definitions and characterizations of myself as being self-responsible.  I realize this is of no use whatsoever, and that self-responsibility is to become the living flesh without mind chatter.

I commit myself to beware of the responsibility character and all his facets, traits, attributes and false appearances within myself

I commit myself to devote myself to living self-responsibility as myself in each moment of breath, that way I walk responsibility here through practical living, in facing each and every point that must be dealt with and stopping all delusional fears which place me in time loops and limit me in my ability to take self-responsibility for real.

I commit myself face my responsibilities in each moment as they require direction from me, because I am the One that has created this mess on this planet and in this existence, therefore I am the One that can and must clean it up, and I am the One that will decide when and how life will be born for real in the physical, as I am the One, as life, as Equal, as all - who makes all the decisions to create Life as what is best for all.

For further reference please see:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
and
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/p/timeline.html

Day 22 - Emotions Energy and My Physical Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to be directed and controlled by personal 

emotions and feelings, in that I have allowed myself  

to create emotions and feelings based on fear-of-loss 

and fear-of-death, not realizing within myself that I 

am responsible for stopping those feelings and 

emotions from raping and controlling me, so that I 

can stand for life as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to believe that I was separate from my reality 

and therefore justify my emotional reactions as 

'defending myself' from my self-created fears through 

separation whereas I viewed my mind as the totality 

of me in not wanting to equally take responsibility for 

All of the me's that I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to fuel my emotional reactions with thought 

energy and picture projections in my mind as 

justifications for those fears, when all along, those 

pictures were not the actuality of the situation, but a 

false representation presented so that I could remain 

enslaved to my fears.   And the energy is what I have

allowed myself to become addicted to as addiction to 

fear, through me fearing myself and attempting to 

comfort and escape myself.  It is obvious that I cannot

escape myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to extensively judge and condemn myself in 

guilt, shame, and regret in an attempt to punish 

myself for how consequences manifested in my life, 

rather than slow myself down within breath, and 

realize and understand how I was accepting and 

allowing undesirable consequences in my life 

experience and how I could realize the patterns I was 

creating and stop them from re-occurring. Within that,

I commit myself to change myself to stand in self-

responsibility to myself AND all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to blame others for my own emotional and 

feeling reactions, and the painful consequences that I 

experienced within my physical body.  In that I realize

that I neglected the experience of myself by neglecting

the fact that my physical body was specifically showing

me that I was not being honest with myself as I was 

trying to be a hero and appear as 'a good guy' to 

others by acting as an 'energy garbage collector' and 

thus attempting to purify everything through my mind,

rather than actually stand as an Equal and share 

responsibility with everyone through allowing 

everyone work out their own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to place my trust in others and the advice of 

others before trusting myself as seeing myself as the 

point of responsibility in understanding myself and my

reality wherein I am capable of seeing - what is best 

for all is best for me - rather than trying to collect 

knowledge and information and so use it to gain power

over others as a false god of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to think and believe the idea that my physical 

body is the personal property of my mind in which I 

have to defend through fear of losing my personal 

property.  I realize that while we are within this 

current system, place and time, it is common sense to

defend my body if physically threatened. My physical 

body is my primary point of responsibility as the 

vehicle where I learn to stand and express myself as a 

responsible steward-in-training until I am perfectly 

standing Equal to my physical body in standing as the

living expression of what is best for all life in all ways.

In that I realize that much abusiveness and delusion 

exists within our world, therefore I commit myself to 

take responsibility for my body, in not accepting 

and allowing my physical body to be subjected to 

abuse, harm or false sentiments of those who are 

ignorant and/or unaware of the consequences of 

inequality and of being subject/slave to a mind which 

only seeks its own self-interest at the expense of Life 

as a whole.

I will not trade Life for a bowl of soup. 

Image of an inside view of a heart

from http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/photos/heart/#/inside-heart_1008_600x450.jpg