Day 327

Friday Dec 23

Inner Rage - containing reactions - no outlet

Strife

Self Defeat

Undeveloped

Pathetic

Broken

Running in every moment

Aware of my own evasiveness

Revenge

Hiding

Spiteful

Channeled anger

Resentful

The first example I can think of is the episode where I met the girl while at my aunt X's apartment.

I did not want to express myself in front of my brothers and even her. I did not know how to handle myself. I have to consider that I was aware that I am in a system where spite is prevalent and permitted, therefore that awareness likely played into my decision because I could not see an alternative outcome which I could have created for myself. Running was much easier.

There were points in my life where I realized I had failed myself. The most prevalent is my experience with one of my first girlfriends where I made a fool of myself. Upon looking back after the event and seeing how I had participated within it, I felt terribly ashamed of myself, and my illusion of myself came crashing down to a very low perspective of myself. I believe it was from that point that I began to realize my own foolishness, hence I lost confidence in myself, and the belief that I was cool and had potential faded. It was never real confidence, only based on my limited perception of myself. I was never in alignment with self honesty, it was only an illusion.

There were a couple more incidences of recklessness which ultimately lead me down the path of giving up, and running from everything in an effort to avoid creating more shame for myself. In light of those events, I was happier, and it was easier to keep to myself, anything but face the shame.

These points, a car accident, and my early childhood religious indoctrination lead me to reading the bible and having a born again experience. I spent many years as a christian after that, and all seemed well. Little did I know of what I was accepting and allowing within myself during those years.

Now that I have passed those painful milestones in my life, I find myself stuck in the pattern of aversion. There is a subconscious inferiority character playing out as the hero who is trying to prove to everyone that he is a good guy and likable.