Day 312

Tues Dec 6

I assisted and participated in the creation of the evil that is here through my acceptances and allowances, therefore I must un-create that aspect of myself which allowed this through unawareness, and so become aware of every breath.

Paying dearly for decisions that were made in trying to save money.

Feeling inwardly angry at the world for my circumstance. Having difficulty facing the points of not being able to support myself effectively. I must have disrespected life, thus now suffer the consequences. No escaping that, no matter how hard I try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life and the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself into a state of unawareness, where I believed that I could escape myself and no one would care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure and a shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and harm myself to the extent that I lost all integrity and trust in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will amount to nothing but shame and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in the effort to save money, rather than doing what is best.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in allowing myself to believe the fantasy in my mind would some day be real, putting myself into a state of hope rather than being here and creating myself equal to who I would want myself to be.

I would really like to be equal to the physical, however difficult that seems, I can not and will not give up, as that is the only real goal in life. I see how I have left myself vulnerable and exposed to attacks from others, perhaps I have transcended that point, to no longer be insulted. I see how I have tried to help people in the past, perhaps overextended in that regard to appear as a savior type. Perhaps my new approach can be focused solely on myself and getting myself free of the systems, judgments, and fears.

How can I push myself harder in re-creating myself, re-aligning myself, and correcting myself. I could take the course again. I could do more writing, more forgiveness, more motivating myself, become more strict, more disciplined, and more aware. I must realize that there are more dimensions to myself than what I think in the moment, especially moments of despair or temptation. I have to stop condemning myself, and giving up on myself. I realize things get very difficult, such as today and yesterday when I felt awful, I felt there was nothing I could do, hopeless.

It is as if I have to see myself in a whole new way, where I do not blame myself ever, or anyone else. I have to see PAST all the phony facade, and trust that I am giving it all for my one goal which is to become equal to the physical. Sacrifice my emotional reactions and feelings for the goal. Sacrifice what I think I want, for what I can trust that will lead me to my goal of becoming physical. All of this in spite of my past, and in spite of what I or anyone else thinks of me for who I have been, I have to re-create myself in a consistent and effective manner so that I can walk the process step by step and breath by breath and develop the self-trust to stay the course for myself and for life.

I have to work harder on myself, striving to develop,improve, and perfect my walk in a way that I can not be moved from my position of standing as the physical. Develop integrity to the process. I can not allow myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of letting others down, as that causes problems. I do not seek any rank or position besides that of simply being an equal. I will not allow my process to be compromised through reaction. I will not react, but simply direct myself in the way that is best for all life so that I can prove to myself and others that I will not be moved by energy of any sort, or anything that does not support the equality of life in the physical. I will not be controlled by the fear of taking authority for myself, nor by the fear of taking self responsibility. I move myself out of the realization of the atrocity of what has been accepted and allowed here, and that it must absolutely stop.

Working under my car today I had the terrible idea of what it would be like to have a car or a machine crush me. Horrifying, the fear that exists within us, and how helpless we are in the face of trauma. I realize our systems have some triggers to help in such cases, but they are not entirely effective to say the least.

I commit myself to motivate myself daily, to see deeply into myself beyond what appears on the surface, and into who I am, and what it means to be life.