Day 310

Sat Dec 3

What are the causes of these emotions of sadness I am having? Regret, shame that I feel I have let myself and others down. Looking at the point of my inevitable death, how that if I were to die today, I would be sad for how I have missed many opportunities to recreate myself. Why am I so reluctant to proceed with my process? Fear of messing up. Fear that I will not stand, despite how I have stopped most of my systems, and most of the harder ones I assume. I do not see any major stumbling blocks if I remain in self-awareness.

How I have abdicated my directive principle. In the early stages, I realized there was much deception/greed within the system, so I followed what I thought was (what I saw as) the solution as god within religion. Recently, I made effort to do stand as the solution (the way I perceived it), but overstepped my bounds within not taking into account all aspects of exactly how I should have gone about it, more precisely as how I ought to have aligned my words, therefore I made an ass of myself in a manner of speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my directive principle within suppressing myself within fear of repeating the same mistakes over because I fear I may not have learned my lesson thoroughly enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from taking directive principle because I fear creating conflict within the group, and so creating more problems than solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking directive principle because I suspect I will overstep my bounds and compromise the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without awareness of what the outflows of my words will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without directing myself in a way that is supportive for all .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through waiting for a solution, when, if I look at the problem thoroughly, I will realize that I have no other option than to continue writing and standing in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself and limit my potential within not allowing myself to see the options that are available to me, and that, if I do not act, I will only add to regret as what I should have or could have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider and focus on what I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting the group down because I have made such a mess of things for myself, that I end up in cycles of depression, suppression, and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will let others down and become more ashamed of myself and so embarrass others and make others ashamed of me.

I commit myself to push myself to create myself as equal, despite how my past has gone and how desperate my situation looks at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself to my work, as creating my connection to myself as life in all dimensions.

I commit myself to push myself to continue writing and finding a way that I can support myself and others within walking my process.