168 - The Evil Trinity of Beliefs Hopes and Desires

Something has been haunting me for a long time now, only to finally reveal itself while contemplating early this morning.

The infamous quote 'Know Your Role' on the surface it would appear to be an obvious slander. For myself it has been a bit of an issue, representing the submission and acceptance of oppression in hierarchical society.  From a different perspective however, this is something that I can see as being practical support.  In order to 'know my role', it is first important that I first 'know myself'.

Due to the extensive programming over my entire lifetime, I have allowed myself to fall into the many pitfalls of Desire, Hope, and Belief.  The combination of these three evils has formed the basis for repeated and extensive cycles of depression and disillusionment - for which I never saw how the pattern played out entirely.  I will attempt to outline the pattern to assist myself in this.

1.  Belief - The entry point for this whole programmed pattern is Belief.  That is to say many Beliefs are formed and accepted as 'the way it is' with the excuse that 'this is the way everyone exists', therefore I must exist in this same way – as holding Beliefs (borrowed and concocted opinions) of who I am in comparison with others, rather than accepting as who I actually am, as a physical being and an Equal in my reality.

2.  Desire – Through the existence of Beliefs, many selfish Desires begin to creep their way into the mind, and then they are accepted as 'natural' and 'normal', with the justification that everyone else is doing it – and it is even somehow acceptable to have 'secret' Desires.

3.  Hope – Hopes are consequently created through Desires, as Hope and Desire are inseparable - all three together form the Holy Trinity of Delusion.  Hope is the carrot on the stick that constantly leads into self-deception.  Through the Beliefs and Desires we create images of ourselves in our minds that are not real.  These images are the manifestation of us seeking to escape all of the (at times extreme) unpleasant consequences we have created for ourselves through denial.  We create alternate realities - personalities and characters in our mind to suite all of our false Hopes.

We then take these images as personalities and characters and act them out in order to try and get the experience that would match the desired outcome of how we would 'like' to experience ourselves, rather than accepting who we are here.  Then when we inevitably face the real consequences of what our delusional personalities (Hopes and Desires) created – which are unpleasant, or what we would classify as 'negative' energy experiences, we go into all kinds of reactions of frustration, anger, denial, depression etc etc.  All this without realizing that we accepted all the programmed false Beliefs, Hopes and Desires in the first place.

I am seeing this whole pattern with regards to a specific situation, and how it has played out in my life, and consequently lead to many disastrous situations.  Compounding the consequences is the continued denial through grasping for additional Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires - in addition to those already existing, hoping to find the right pattern for happiness and fulfillment.

This constant feedback loop takes us out of alignment with ourselves... thus 'Know Your Role', is really about knowing ourselves for who we really are, and so I am (we are) denying responsibility to ourselves and all, through chasing Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires. This eventually leads to blame and recreating the whole infinite pattern again.

Beliefs, Hopes and Desires ought to have no place in reality as they are actually neglect of who I am here, and what I have created for myself through past acceptances and allowances – this includes every aspect of my environment.  According to the images of my mind, my life would appear to be a disastrous failure - as not having achieved my grandest Hopes and Desires, thus judging myself and defining myself as a failure for not choosing the correct patterns of Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires, which were all deception from the start.

The lesson being – no matter how awful the situation appears to be, we really have no choice but to accept it and embrace who we are here, as that is the only way we can change to deprogram ourselves - to stop chasing selfish Desires, and so create the best possible situation for ourselves and everyone through living what is best for all.



artwork credit www.southvalleyart.com 

167 - Introspection pt 2

Walking myself back from the point in which I allowed myself to miss a cause of diversion of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss a point within myself and so compound the issue within myself through going into irritation, frustration, aversion, denial, neglect, resentment and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and go into my mind, allowing my mind to use the projection of fear so that I would not see the simplicity of being here as breath and stopping myself from participating in thoughts and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind to divert my attention away from breathing and concentrating on being here in the moment of breath where I can see myself and notice points which begin to take control of me through conscious thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider alternatives when I see a point coming up within myself – as to how I can deal with the point, breathing, writing, walking, speaking, directing myself to do something practical such as work etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of loss, and so project the image of me losing everything and how I would handle myself within given situations – imagining scenarios where my survival instinct would kick in and I would do whatever would be necessary for me to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to transcend all my systems, and so make myself feel better within thinking I am better and thus creating a personality within myself - without actually walking the points out one by one as what is here as me as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself extensively and so desire to give up on myself, not realizing that by me giving up on myself I am giving up on everyone as myself. 

166 - Introspection

What am I good at?  What is my talent or skill?  Well I would not really say anything in particular, I would say that I have allowed myself to be balanced in a number of different skills, not limiting myself to just one or two.  I enjoy a large variety of things, however some of the things that I would say that I enjoy are - hiking, biking, animals, nature etc... I don't see any opportunity to actually earn any money from doing these things.  Its not that I like these things so much, but that due to the FUBAR design of society - these are the few things that on occasion I actually have opportunity to do.

The problem in the past has been me existing within hope - desiring to experience more than what I am able to with just one physical body.  In addition to that, I have feared being stuck in any one particular situation or skill, fearing that I am missing something 'better' somewhere else.  What I did not understand about this point is the starting point of myself here - instead, I saw other people were experiencing things without me, and I felt left out or abandoned/excluded.  This caused me to feel sad, as the experience of me missing my own existence - I could not come to terms or understand this within myself, that all experiences were passing me by, and I was powerless to do anything about it, so I became anxious and tried to get as much out of experiences as I could, often bouncing from one group of people to the next. Kind of like flipping channels on the tv every time there is a commercial - I was very good at this, especially during sports.  I don't watch tv anymore  however.

So from listening to the Eqafe interview 'Missing out - Life Review'  I was able to realize how I had been doing this in the past, and so now I see that this 'searching' for a better experience or to get more experiences of myself is grasping in vain and not being here fully as myself experiencing every moment with the fullness of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was missing out on experiences of myself.   I realize that I have only one body with which to experience myself, therefore to try and split myself up, or hurry from experience to experience is 'grasping' after an image in my mind in the fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing experiences of myself and others, in the fear that these experiences could not ever be experienced again - which I realize is correct - however what I did not realize within this was that I was projecting my own fear of death, as me not knowing or understanding who I am here, and that I must accept and embrace myself here so that I can stand equal to life in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focusing on one subject or skill or practice so that I can become proficient in being able to master something that would support me and that I would enjoy doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself and commit myself to learn how to do something that I must do to support myself and others.

165 - Personalities to Blame You With

Yesterday I had missed a point within myself.  The starting point I see is me acting out a point of self interest, rather than doing what is necessary to be done to support myself, and in so allowing my mind to use that as justification as to why I must rebel against myself in resentment.  It lead to me getting frustrated, as I was projecting fears into the future about what could possibly happen or 'go wrong' within looking at the current pattern of how things have been shaping up in the past.

Since I did not take notice of this point developing, it compounded itself into more of an issue in a number of levels in the great multi-layered lasagna of my mind.  I became lethargic, upset with myself, and my whole 'being' shifted to embody this point in desire to escape myself in not wanting to face the point - but rather to blame and get revenge on myself for allowing this to happen... thus making things even worse for myself, at which point my neglect and denial programs kick in, as with the desire to escape myself / give up.

In order to stop this blame and self-judgement, I have to forgive myself, and in so forgive all the alternate personalities and characters in my head as memories of people from my past in whom I wish to attribute blame and judgement - so that I can take responsibility for myself and no longer project it onto entities of my imagination.  This way, I create myself as living, walking, and breathing, self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss a point within myself through living in self-interest and not doing what is best for all as what is necessary to be done to support myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my capacity and ability to forgive myself, and so use that point of judgement against myself as a justification as to why I must rebel against myself and resent myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated with myself and project fears into the future about what could possibly happen, as me creating the future in my imagination - projecting the fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated and angry with myself because I did not realize or want to face this point of self-interest within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself rather than face the point within breath and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others of my past as personalities and characters within my mind which I have stored as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself for allowing consequence to get to such a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically run the programs of neglect and denial within the desire to give up.   I realize I created this situation - no matter how fucked it seems to be - through my acceptances and allowances, therefore I am responsible for it and within this there are opportunities for me to realize points within myself - even though it seems as though the situation is here for no other reason but to rub my shame in my face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all family members past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all friends past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all relatives past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all co-workers past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all x-girlfriends past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all acquaintances past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all imaginary reflections of myself past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all friends past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all teachers past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all role models past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all leaders past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the alternate personality as the memory of all people I hate past and present - in which I use in my mind to attribute blame - I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to transpire and accumulate here.


I commit myself to stop separating myself into alternate personalities and characters which work in my mind to sabotage me and compound my process, making more problems for myself.







 

164 - Here

Time it has come to reap what we've sewn,
This beauty-filled circus, flesh'd bare to the bone.

Smog-toxic filled air, sun scorches the hotter,
Poison laced food, fed of foul treated water.

The plight of the beast, baring much of the brink,
Locked 'way in dark places, one shudders to think.

Even tho in plain sight, oft the horror is shared,
Few of us humans, who have truly cared.

In fantastical places, found I my delight,
Conspiring in mind, oh how I reveled in spite.

Naught could I see what such consequence bare,
Nor did I conceive, t'explore my own lair.


Far aloft was I, with the dreams of my youth,
In hope I'd waylay, my own inner truth.

But how could it be, that I was amiss?
So seduced by the sounds, deep hypnotical bliss.

Thought I of life's purpose, t'which ougt make me whole,
In mercy believed I, t'unravel my soul.

Yet there was no answer, of all which I sought,
To unlock all this deception, into which I had so bought.

One day in my search, were the answers unraveled,
As the Portal had opened, all dimensions had traveled.

The message was bitter, and there was no yeast,
This pill was quite jagged, to say the least.

As Bernard hath thus said, 'ye are not life',
Thus am I Death, existing in strife?


When suddenly shattering, realization of Self,
There is no escape, no use hiding oneself.

What price of redemption, thus far hath I strayed?
What cost for solution t' this body's decay?

For Life ye must be, as that ye are not,
Thine breath must thou wed, while ye are here caught.

This maze of the mind, contrived by a thought
Let's lay aside fear, find that which we've sought...

That which has always been...

Here

Forever

163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity

Today I had to do an estimate.  During negotiations, I realized that I would not be able to do the job due to an outlet being in the wrong place.  For some reason, perhaps I figured it would take too long with the electrical work that needed to be relocated.  I quickly assumed that I would not be able to do the job, explained this to the client and closed negotiations saying I could come back when he had that issue fixed himself.

While I was driving home, it occurred to me that I probably could have done the relocation myself and charged the customer a little more for the time involved.  Why had I not seen that opportunity?  My assumption was quick, as the customer and I had been bartering over price - which was already very low, and this was causing me some frustration as I had already taken the time to drive all the way out there, which has already cost me 1/5th of the total job price in gas.

I see that I had already begun to become negative about the job, and when I realized that the plug had to be moved, I entertained a good feeling of not having to do the work with the excuse that I could not do it now.  The happy feeling was compounded by the negative feeling that I was not going to make any money, and I had in fact lost money by doing the estimate.  Within all of these feelings, I did not stop myself to assess the situation here as breath, trusting myself and the physical.  I was going by the emotion of how events like this had played out in the past - so I was in fear that the worst would happen.

The other point I realized is that, had I seen the opportunity to relocate the electrical myself and negotiated with the client for it, I may well have been upset with myself for undertaking the job, especially if there were any surprises as there always are in this line of work.  So it is a situation where I would judge myself either way.  The only solution to this is to remain here in breath, and not go into self-judgement for any reason.  Stop living my past and to live every moment as me, as breath.  I was aware of my breath the whole way to the clients house, however when I got there and the stress of the job kicked in, I lost all awareness and went on autopilot.

Business is more competitive in the winter here, and I had not prepared enough advertising for myself in the fall.  I had a job lined up which did not work out, and then expected to be able to get a job somewhere but that has not panned out either.  I will be exploring my options over the next little while to see where I can place myself to be effective and to support myself.   Besides that, process wise, things seem to be going well.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I encounter a stressful situation where I am in the vicinity of people - go on autopilot and forget my breath awareness causing me to make rash decisions and choices based in fear and how things have played out in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by systems as the projection of fear that the worst would happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not realizing the opportunity to do the extra work and make some extra money from the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my newly learned skills of persuasion when dealing with clients - reciprocity, authority, scarcity, consistency, liking and consensus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to direct myself in the most effective manner so that I am able to support myself and change my world to a world worth living in with Equality of Life as the principle we all live by.

I commit myself to pushing myself to remain in breath awareness when involved in stressful situations where other people are around.

I commit myself to stop living in past definitions and begin to take responsibility for me in all situations through breathing and living from the starting point of here - as seeing every situation as a completely new experience of myself here, equal to the physical reality.

I commit myself to the realization that, to walk this process of awareness in each moment is... to bring myself back from the state of absolute self-devaluation, where my existence hangs by a single strand of knowledge of myself, in the understanding that the whole universe has in fact betrayed me, as the reflection of my own self-betrayal.... to align myself with the actual starting point of myself here, as breath, so that I may create myself as Equal to all things, as the final end of all enslavement and beginning of Life without limitation or judgement, where the value of All is Equally precious as Life.
     

162 - Parental Cloning - Part 3

Throughout my years of being cloned - and cloning myself - I developed an affinity towards a particular pattern.  Although it was clearly spiteful and self-destructive in hind-sight, it is quite fascinating to now realize how I am able to use this pattern of 'giving-up' or 'self-rejection' to easily spot behavior patterns of the past which I directly need to face.  This provides keys to working my way out of my shell, or removing the bricks in the wall I constructed for myself.    

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of 'giving up' and or 'sulking' - withdrawing my participation in an attempt to sabotage myself and so make everyone feel bad, through the belief that the problem is impossible, or there is no solution but self-defeat.  I realize that I must take responsibility to stop my thoughts of self-judgment, and the corresponding emotional reactions of blame and self-pity, so that I can stand as the solution to myself and all, in bringing about a world that is Best for All in Equality.  

I also realize within this, that I must not judge or blame myself for not being able to do everything all by myself, and that I will always be more effective with the help of others.  I also realize that others may be more inclined or adept at certain tasks than I am, and in so it is not to be offended by the skills of another, but to find what skills I have to offer, as everyone has an equal and essential part to play as the whole of existence learns how to cooperate and use what is here. 

When and as I see myself going into a state of 'withdrawal', 'giving-up' or 'emotional reactions of blame or judgment' - I stop and clear my starting point to here within breath.  I recognize the pattern and change myself within the realization that I must take responsibility to direct myself in living and doing what is best for all in each moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to differ blame onto my parents - for labeling and defining me as 'sulking', or 'suck-hole' or 'having a fit' or 'temper tantrum' in which I had the reaction of extreme inner anger at being teased, defined, belittled, and diminished - thus preventing me from actually seeing and realizing the point I actually needed to face, of what I was allowing in withdrawing myself from situations – was not helping myself or anyone, only compromising myself in anger, blame, resentment, and selfishness because things did not turn out the way I expected them to, I felt less than, and I did not understand myself as Equal to All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to words that my parents used – seeing the words as threatening, while it was my own self-judgment that allowed me to compromise myself through me resisting change and wanting to blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the coping mechanism of withdrawing myself - as a way of me trying to manipulate my reality, rather than actually expressing how I feel about a situation - such as me feeling left out, and so searching for, and working towards a solution where everyone and all are included.

Resistance is my assistance to dissolve the limitations of my existence.

I commit myself to investigate all confrontations where I experience a resistance or reaction within me to words someone is using to define me, and within that to clear all reactions within myself - so that I can observe myself from a non-judgmental and non-reactive state, to see if there are any points of self-dishonesty within myself that need to be addressed and aligned to change myself to living what is best for all.

I commit myself to within breath awareness, push myself to face all points of denial, judgement, or fear of facing myself so that I can learn what it is to stand for Life and change myself to become Life.