Day 338

Jan 4 2017

The tires for my car are near bald and dangerous to drive with, so I am stuck here today as there is a lot of snow on the roads. Bought a saw to cut tiles with yesterday, but it does not work with the blade I have. What to do. Anything productive?

I bought some new tires... had a dangerous drive out to the east end in a snowstorm. I returned the saw I bought and bought a 15 dollar blade instead... hope it works. The tires are definitely cool, and I got an extra 25 off.

I was feeling happy about getting the tires, then when I got home and had a game of chess, I felt slightly perturbed. I just got back from an errand, and I feel indignation, inner rage as a result of suppression, not being able to express myself. I feel trapped, like I have no outlet. I wish I had a punching bag to let some steam off.

Entitlement.

We feel a sense of entitled to be angry or to blame others, or that someone has to pay for how we were 'wronged'. This is a direct result of false perception where we have not taken responsibility for ourselves, and in so doing we believe that it is or was someone else's responsibility to make sure we never go through any difficulties or hardships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of indignation, where I want to be angry or blame others. I realize that the feeling of indignation can assist me to align myself and stop myself from creating harmful consequences for myself in my future. I do not wish to create harmful, abusive, or destructive consequences for myself or others now or in the future. I wish that all would realize equality, self responsibility, and self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of future circumstance should I run out of money or some tragedy strike. I realize that there are no guarantees and regardless of what happens in the future, I must take responsibility for myself here in the present in the best way that I am able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide false perceptions and personal belief constructs from myself so that I do not see what I am doing to myself and others, and I do not address what needs to be addressed and corrected in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach my potential, and/or fail at reaching my potential because of lack of money, or that I have failed in some other insignificant aspect of my life where I did not realize the weight of an issue or problem in sufficient time to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and define my self expression as something specific, as opposed to spontaneously manifest sharply and with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self expression out of anger and taking revenge on myself and others indirectly through suppressing and withdrawing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to the extent that I punish myself and do not allow myself to express myself in a way that honors life through the gift of existence I have been given.

What am I trying to accomplish through self expression? Equality, commitment, dedication, passion, tenacity, forthrightness, directive principle, realization, understanding of reality and actuality, self responsibility, change, discipline, HERENESS, Adventure, awareness, excitement for Life, honor of Life. Male and Female aspects.

I suspect it will be necessary to discipline myself.