Day 185 - Conflict Dream Deconstruction

Woke from a dream this morning. I was in an apartment building looking for a place to stay, having been evicted from my previous one. There were 3 to choose from and each one had its share of issues, was small and cramped and damp with many layers of paint to hide god knows what. I was searching for the landlord and ran into some guy who 'was only acting in his place' and did not take responsibility for anything. He walked backwards away from me as I inquired, holding his hands in the air in defense as if to say 'hey I just work here'. He said the real landlord would be by shortly. I then paid a visit to my relatives who lived in a nearby apartment thinking maybe I could get a better place through them somehow. They had what looked like a nice place, but not really on closer examination. I looked at this strange bundle of wires that were right near me, all clumped up. One of the wire-caps fell off, and as I tried to put it back on another cap fell off, and another. I was afraid of getting an electric shock as this big wiry mess was getting dangerous.

Looking at this dream, I see it representing a number of fears I have within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a place to stay and fear of not being satisfied with the place which I am staying at. I realize that where ever I am is where I have placed myself within allowing consequences to play out in my life through not taking responsibility for myself in dealing with what is necessary to be dealt with in self-honesty.
The man I 'met' as the substitute for the landlord representing my mind as the program acting in place of the real me, denying any responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a substitute of myself as a programmed character take the place of myself so that I could avoid my responsibility to myself and all and not have to face myself in self-honesty.

I see the clump of wires as systems and energetic conduits which have not been dealt with and I have been in fear to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect dealing with systems within myself which appear hazardous. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with these systems in fear of myself getting 'shocked' and/or injured. I realize that the systems must be carefully dealt with to prevent consequences.

My relative hooked me up with some girl who had a nicer place so I went to stay there with her. It turns out that all of my relatives were at war with this girl and they showed up attempting to take something back which she had apparently stolen. So here I was caught in the middle of this big fight having to choose sides, which I ended up abandoning the girl, yet not taking sides with my relatives either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught in the middle of conflict and so having to take sides. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions in the fear that I will make the wrong decision. I realize that the only decision to be made is what will stand as best for everyone.

Later I found one of my relatives standing outside looking at a scene in the sky.. it was a battle with spaceships and everything. Interestingly he was using some kind of hand-device to participate in the battle. Wow I thought to myself, as he mentioned that I should check out the spaceship right behind me, which I did. I went in and investigated around, there were people inside all in chairs busy attending to duties related to the war. I went to the back of the ship and noticed a chair with a virtual reality training program. Perfect I thought, as I sat down and hooked myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself through participating in virtual reality in the belief that that will assist my process of standing and dealing with the actual physical reality.

I was transported to a bus, immediately as I stepped on the bus I was met by a large, aggressive man with a big gun in his hand. He was sweaty and had a military type demeanor. As I moved along toward the back of the bus I noticed all of the male passengers were soldiers who were participating in the war. Each one of them had scars on their face, some of them were well beyond repair, and some were on the verge of death. Suddenly I was thrust into battle. It was all a blur of shouting and banging noises and sure enough, I got my own scar across my face. I couldn't believe that I had been coerced into this battle. When I got back to the bus, I wanted to leave, but I knew there would be threats against me and my life. Again I was faced with the choice of taking sides. The last thing I recall is looking at the military boss and saying to him in defiance “I will take you down”. Shortly after that he was replaced by a new military boss in a fresh blue suit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone else for coercing me into a situation rather than me taking responsibility for whatever situation I have accepted and allowed myself to be in, and so resolve the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, rather than deal with each situation/construct/character within myself, try to fight my way out of my situation through conflict with myself. I realize that conflict is not the solution to my problems and inner battles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape the situation rather than face and deal with what I have accepted and allowed head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the fear of trying to escape the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire conflict with the military boss rather than addressing the issue of how that character came to be within myself and so solving the issue through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the creation of a new upgraded character within myself as represented by the military boss in the fresh blue suit.

I commit myself to face all the characterizations within myself and resolve the conflicting beliefs and identities and so stop the hierarchical enslavement and separation within myself through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I commit myself to use the characters of my thoughts/feelings/emotions/ideas/beliefs/opinions in my mind to assist me to show me what needs to be changed within myself so that I can take responsibility to stand Equal to myself within and without until no separation exists.   

Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation

This morning I woke up and there was strong energies running through my body, it felt like a form of positively charged excitement.  I had worked strenuously the previous day and there was some slightly 'positive' potential opportunities that opened up. I could not sit and focus myself, so I lay down in bed to ground them and ended up falling asleep.    

I am often inundated with strong, energetically charged feelings early in the morning, either positive or negative.  I attribute this to the fact that I see so many possibilities as ideas in my mind, and through this I create within myself desires to experience and express myself, or alternatively, if I feel that my situation is preventing me from expanding myself, I experience strong negative energetic resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to write out the issue for myself and so allow a cycle to pass without pushing the resistance, and so have to face it again in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by positive/negative/neutral energies which have been programmed into myself through the mind as desires and fears of facing and directing myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see energetic feelings within myself controlling me, to stop and breathe and write out exactly what it is I am experiencing within myself so that I can sort out what is the starting point and apply self-forgiveness on the problem so that I may stop it at its source and no longer allow myself to be controlled by the thoughts/feelings/emotions.

When I went to see a tarot card reader a number of years ago, she confirmed that I was heavily influenced by emotions, which I admit I have been throughout my life.  Through my extensive self-suppression and denial (as well as fear of losing moments in time), I created a strong desire within myself to experience every moment to its utmost capacity.  Each time I was rejected or put down, I took it personally and hard, suppressing the feeling deep within myself until eventually, at some point I would explode in anger.  Never realizing and being reluctant to face myself and what I was creating myself as - which was a form of desperation - Justified by the 'good' character I created in my mind.

Desperately grasping at fleeting moments and memories, trying to squeeze out as much joy as possible
Desperately believing in a magical place I could one day escape to, and everything would be real, fun, and full of joy.
Desperately clinging to hopes of a happy ending.
Desperately hiding and avoiding who I was in my own fear of myself.
Desperately wishing people would like me.
Desperately blaming and hating the world in attempt to justify my own self-denial.
Desperately wanting someone to understand me.
Desperately angry with myself and punishing myself to justify my good, humble character  


So the starting point of all this desperation is fear of myself and not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out of desperation in fear of myself, neglecting to face the starting point of why I was so desperately angry with myself, which was because I accepted and allowed many self-judgments, believing them to be 'who I was' as less than and not 'wise' or 'intelligent' enough to understand how reality functions.   In that I also never considered specifically forgiving myself and correcting myself to that I could let go of all the anger and desperation and express myself without fear.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp at fleeting moments and memories in attempt to squeeze out as much joy as possible without realizing that grasping at the illusion in ignorance and fear is not the answer to myself, I must realize, accept, forgive the past, and face of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a magical place somewhere which I can one day escape to, where everything will be real, fun, and full of joy.  I realize here is the only place I can exist, and there is no-where else, but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a happy ending.  I realize that hope is a useless idea without practical application in doing what is necessary to be done.  Therefore here is where I must create myself and my world as the best it can be for everyone, not just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid who I am as a physical being, Equal to all that exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish people would like me in a mind-diversion and attempt to escape the responsibility of accepting and embracing myself through self-realization, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate the world as a diversion of my own self-denial.  I realize my responsibility is to first correct myself so that I may be effective in changing myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to understand me when it is my responsibility to make the effort to understand myself, as no one will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and punish myself.  I realize that these are not solutions to my problems, and only further suppress the problem and make things worse.  Self-forgiveness and self-correction are the only way to solve myself and assist myself to stand Equal to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefore change myself to become self-honest and live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people on 'my side' as if to make an excuse within myself as to why I cannot move myself by myself.  Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'better than' others, as someone who is knowledgeable, wise, intelligent, honest, true, smart, funny or someone who knows the answers to everything.  I realize that thoughts such as these create a polarized reaction through thoughts/feelings and emotions and only serve to subvert the process of realization that we are all realizing and becoming Equal and so each of us have a responsibility and an Equally valid part to contribute.

Self help and support available at Eqafe.com

Day 183 - Spite the Spite

I realized have been blaming the subconscious mind - as the layers of thought which circulate within myself and others - for holding me back in my process.  In addition to that blame, I, as my mind, created opinions and beliefs about those subconscious thoughts as a means to condemn and disqualify myself from applying myself in my process.  I could also refer to it as my judgement thoughts of the thoughts.  From those judgments/beliefs/opinions, (which I also referred to as 'passive spite') I allowed myself to be drained of my 'will' to direct myself and pursue my journey to Life - as if I were to blame others perceptions of me (and/or the mirror images in my mind) for not allowing myself to stand for Life.

Seems to be such an incredibly simple, yet subtle, point in hindsight, and the obvious solution being - to spite the spite.  Apply myself despite what others may think of me.  Apply myself despite whether or not I believe I can do it or not.  Spite the fear of not being able to do it.  Spite the judgments and beliefs I had placed on the thoughts, through not accepting and allowing myself to judge the thoughts, or be influenced by them.  Just do it regardless, without looking for approval or disapproval - because I realize it is in the best interest of everyone, not just my selfish, fearful opinion of myself.

I was trying to save myself ahahahaa...
trying to save my mind hhmmmhmmhmm...

How is it possible for fear to keep me from that which I... dare I say the 'L' word.  Yet as long as I am in separation from myself as my mind, my 'love' is not real... still only a fantasy. I have the opportunity to stand by myself, for myself, for and as All - despite my minds opinions of whether or not a belief exists as to whether or not I am able to fulfill my commitment to myself - Life can exist within and as me, I just have to become Equal to it.

Spite the Spite,
All that is not the real me,
As the real me is the physical,
And nothing more.

Then it all becomes clear,
And I can learn to direct myself,
In Common Sense as
What is Best for All of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the subconscious mind for holding me back in my process.  I realize that I accepted and allowed those thoughts, ideas and beliefs to be 'more' than me rather than standing Equal to them and realizing that it was the mind attempting to disqualify me from applying myself in my process so I would not realize who I am as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge thoughts through the mirror of my mind and  classify them as personal beliefs about myself and others and so suppress and drain my will, and prevent myself from realizing myself for who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give fear and selfish opinion precedence over the physical me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create discord within myself through allowing thoughts as judgments and beliefs to dictate to me who and what I am and/or should be, rather than me directing who I am and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and save my mind as the judgments and fearful opinions opinions of myself.

I commit myself to Spite the Spite, and so not accept and allow the illusions, the passive spite as thoughts, judgments, and beliefs to direct and control the manifested physical reality.



 

Day 182 - 101 Ways The Desteni-I-Process Will Help You

101 Ways The Desteni-I-Process Will Help You


1.   Learn to develop Self-Honesty
2.   Learn to develop Self-Trust
3.   Learn what is Self-Responsibility
4.   Learn how to develop Self-Confidence
5.   Learn how to practically change yourself through writing
6.   Learn how the universe came into being
7.   Learn to apply and use Self-Forgiveness to effectively and positively change your life
8.   Learn to improve your writing skills by writing yourself out daily
9.   Learn to have an impact in changing our world
10. Learn to develop your vocabulary and communication skills

11. Learn what are the consequences of passive acceptances and allowances
12. Learn what is real happiness
13. Learn how to be real with yourself and others through stopping false characterizations of yourself
14. Learn how to stop judging yourself
15. Learn how to stop judging others
16. Learn how to give as you would like to receive
17. Learn how to be the best you can be through living what is best for all
18. Learn to focus yourself and critical thinking techniques
19. Learn to stop internal conversations and voices in the head
20. Learn to stop internal justifications

21. Learn to stop feeling guilty all the time
22. Learn how to stop feeling depressed through self-forgiveness
23. Learn how to discover patterns in your past that are holding you back from being the best you can be
24. Learn the practicality of how to love thy neighbor as thyself
25. Learn how and why the system was created
26. Learn how to stop the systems within your own mind
27. Learn how to take directive principle of yourself
28. Learn to face and stop all of your fears
29. Learn to stop all of your addictions
30. Learn to expand yourself in your reality

31. Learn how to utilize breathing effectively to slow yourself down
32. Learn self-intimacy through self-honesty
33. Discover who you really are and how you came to be who you are now
34. Realize the gift of Life within yourself
35. Learn how to stop manipulating yourself and others
36. Learn what it means to make a real life commitment to yourself
37. Learn to effectively walk out self-corrections and manifest real change
38. Learn the reasons why we take on false personalities
39. Learn critical investigation techniques
40. Learn to process information faster

41. Learn about the quantum mind and quantum physical existence
42. Learn what is Equality and Self-awareness
43. Learn how to consider what has not been considered and how it impacts your life
44. Learn how to find the starting point of problems in your life so you can take responsibility to correct them
45. Learn how to stop projecting fears from your past into your future
46. Learn how fears create future consequences
47. Learn how we became enslaved to ourselves
48. Learn how to free yourself from enslavement
49. Learn how to become Life!
50. Learn how to equalize the outer world with the inner world of our mind

51. Learn how to apply the Equality Equation
52. Learn why and how Consciousness is a Con
53. Learn how our words were preprogrammed
54. Learn how to deconstruct words to discover their root meanings
55. Learn how to use your words effectively
56. Learn how to speak words as yourself
57. Learn how to stop and reverse the preprogramming within yourself
58. Learn the most effective way to educate yourself through understanding how the mind works
59. Learn how to push through resistances
60. Learn how energy functions in our physical bodies

61. Learn how images in our minds are used to control our decision making processes
62. Learn what the imagination actually creates
63. Learn what are desires and where they come from
64. Learn the difference between self-interest and best for all
65. Learn to stop being selfish
66. Learn how humans evolved/devolved over time in the universe
67. Learn how our DNA was created and used as the blueprint for our programming
68. Learn the gift in making mistakes (as I mess up the numbers and have to re-write them)
69. Learn the role memories play and why we value them
70. Learn how to be absolutely certain about yourself and you Desteni

71. Learn how the economic system functions
72. Learn the difference between honesty and Self-honesty
73. Learn how the physical body communicates to us to assist us in our process
74. Learn what is real Self-expression
75. Learn from the experiences of those who are currently in the dimensional existence
76. Learn how the animal kingdom, the earth, and nature are assisting humanity in our process
77. Learn how to care for your physical body nutritionally
78. Learn how to raise children responsibly
79. Learn how our thoughts/emotions/feelings impact our physical body and that of others
80. Learn how polarity works and how energy is created through conflict of ideas/beliefs and opinions

81. Learn how and why war/starvation/poverty/suffering/exploitation and cruelty exists in our world
82. Learn why our physical bodies deteriorate over time
83. Learn how time/space was created
84. Learn how the physical existence manifested
85. Learn how separation occurred and why
86. Learn how to stop the illusions and delusions within yourself
87. Learn how to recognize and deal with/ban spiteful people
88. Learn how to develop effective relationships
89. Learn how to stop participating in destructive relationships
90. Learn the simplicity of being here and enjoying yourself

91. Learn how to discover how you have compromised yourself in the past and how to correct it so that it no longer controls you
92. Learn to recognize and stop the patterns within yourself
93. Learn how to transcend your fear of expressing yourself through making vlogs and blogs
94. Learn how to transcend fear of being alone
95. Learn to embrace and accept yourself
96. Learn to assist others in seeing themselves and transcending their fears
97. Learn what it is you are able to do to participate in the group
98. Learn the design of sex and how to develop Self-honest sexual expression with yourself and/or your partner
99. Learn about the existence/non-existence of god and how and why religious systems exist in our world
100. Learn what is self-perfection

101. Learn to support yourself and become the REAL YOU as the best you you can be


I could go on and on, because there is so much more!  I can assure you that it will help you more than you can imagine - as it has helped me tremendously. There is no greater gift than the gift of Life. See for yourself, take the free course and discover what you have been missing for so long... yourself!

There is also plenty of Amazing support over at Eqafe so check it out.

Day 181 - What is Accomplished

ac·com·plish·ment (-kmplsh-mnt)

n.

1. The act of accomplishing or the state of being accomplished; completion.

2. Something completed successfully; an achievement.

3. An acquired skill or expertise: a singer known for his accomplishment in vocal technique.

4. Social poise and grace.

What have we accomplished, if we have not stood Equal to Life?

What is completed, if our world is being destroyed?

What is achieved, if Life is sacrificed?

What is a reward, if Life is not realized?

What is success, within the delusion of separation?

What is greatness, if it cannot be given?

What is power, if it is used solely to harm and abuse?

What is wealth, when all it creates is poverty?

What is the purpose of status, but to keep us divided?

What is the value of skill, when it kills self-expression and limits expansion?

What is the value of love, if it stems from fear and spite?

What is security, but a feeble attempt to prolong the inevitable?

What is the value of beauty, when it is subject to changing opinion?

What is worthy of celebration, when all is enslaved?

What is worthy of honor, when all is a disgrace?

What is the value of truth, when it is based in a lie?

What is the value of money, when it promotes greed, war, and destruction?

What is the value of knowledge, when it creates the illusion of superiority?

What is the value of understanding, if it is not actualized?

What is the value of authority, when it serves and protects deception?

What is the value of justice, when laws are subject to interpretation, wealth, and false morality?

Life, in Equality, is the only real value. Until we change and truly stand for Life as Equals, we will face the growing product and consequence of all our false attributions and valuations, which is cruelty, suffering, and shame. 

See the Solution to Life at Eqafe.com

Day 180 - Redefining Discipline

Dicitionary Definition

dis·ci·pline

n.

1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

3.

a. Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order.

b. A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline.

c. A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom.

4. Punishment intended to correct or train.

5. A set of rules or methods, as those regulating the practice of a church or monastic order.

6. A branch of knowledge or teaching.

Redefinition

I have defined the word discipline as within the context of 'being disciplined' or 'punished' by a parent or teacher, and so attaching a negative energetic response within myself – relating the word to past belittling and humiliating experiences of 'being disciplined' by parents and teachers – as well as the extreme definition of the word in the context of the militaristic system of subservience and/or submission. Other interpretations/definitions/relations to the word are;

• Loss of self-control
• loss of personal freedom
• submitting myself to a hierarchy or system of control

Another context of the word I have defined is 'disciple' or 'follower', where I have a negative energetic reaction/response triggering the rebellious system within myself. I realize that rebellion actually an act of self-sabotage.

Therefore it is necessary to redefine Self-discipline within myself, so that no energetic response occurs, but rather 'making the connection' within myself in the realization that Self-discipline is a matter of moving and directing myself so that I can manage and prevent undesirable/unpleasant consequences from occurring now and in the future, and so inevitably resulting in sequences of events that are best for myself as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect moving and directing myself due to the interpretation of my mind as defining discipline within the context of a negative energetic memory/past experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-discipline within the context of memories of being bullied, humiliated, belittled and punished by parents, coaches, law-enforcement, judges, bosses, friends, enemies, and teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-discipline within the context of being a follower, and therefore believing that I am subjecting myself to a process of enslavement and loss of control, when in actuality learning to direct myself is the means by which I regain authority of and for myself so that I may direct myself in changing myself and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and associate discipline within the negative energetic polarity as torture, slavery, submission, boring, humiliating, belittling or unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny self-discipline in the belief that I can allow consequences to play out so that I can gain momentum from the accumulated anger/pain/frustration/resentment as me desiring to be moved by energetic reactions as opposed to me moving myself in realization of how the system functions within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the rewards of self-discipline and self-control as being giving myself back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-discipline as subjecting myself to a set of mindless rules and/or self-righteous moral and/or cultural beliefs.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-discipline was only a means of achieving an elevated egotistical belief of seeing oneself as 'better than others', and so neglecting to discipline or 'assist' myself in fear and distrust of myself and ultimately rebellion to this self created belief.  I realize self-discipline is a tool to assist and support myself to pro-actively face my problems and so prevent consequences, and create myself as self-responsible, as Life, as Equality.  

Day 179

As an outflow of my recent discovery and awareness of the extent to which I had denied myself in the past, the realization prompted numerous reactionary responses - as me distrusting myself/fearing myself/extensive self-judgement of myself/feeling guilty and not wanting to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. This was compounded with the belief in my mind that I did not know how to place myself, as I did not seem to 'fit in' anywhere because of the fact that I am so far out of alignment with myself. I do not see how I can practically resolve the issues, as many attempts at resolution have failed/backfired/or simply been insufficient as of late.

Work has been slow/non-existent over the winter, so I came up with the plan to avoid the stress of the situation through playing world of warcraft - which I enjoyed, as I had defined that experience as 'the most fun I had in my life' (a limited definition and justification, I realize). It felt right at the time and was a welcome, yet temporary, relief from the anxiety of the situation. Not wanting to face my problems in a nutshell, and so allowing them to get the best of me.

The invisibility of the solution is not a valid justification I realize, as the step by step process is a means of developing self-trust and self-honesty, despite the fact that all efforts appear to be in vain, the problems and consequences that are here remain self-evident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having failed myself in the past, and then use that judgement as a justification to resent/condemn/avoid facing myself and my problems/responsibilities that are here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to myself can be found in neglecting myself and avoiding the issues at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent/judge the process in the desire to avoid facing myself and taking responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I do not see the solution and use that as an excuse to not make a decision and face my problems in the fear that whatever I decide is doomed to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent/fear the money system and so use it as an excuse as to why I cannot take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to play WoW and so seek to play as much as humanly possible in acting with response to that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my situation for my situation and so perpetuate an undesirable situation through blaming rather than taking responsibility and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself through awareness of the reality of the situation and so creating/projecting/giving in to self-imposed systems of fear.