Day 44 - Walking Unaware

I reacted to a situation today while working.  I had bought a cable that turned out to be too short so I was not able to complete the task and in realizing this, my programmed mind kicked in and directed me to say "Jesus Christ" in frustration.  I realize that by me allowing this simple point of frustration within me, I compromised myself in the mind-fear projection that I would have to go back to the store 1/2 an hour drive and get a new cable.  The customer was also standing beside me when I said this.

Later on that day, she found a suitable chain that would enable me to do the job without needing another cable.  Additionally, I did not even have time to get the job done, as I was busy working on other projects on the site.  This goes to show how my projection was not based in reality at all, but rash, unnecessary, and completely false based on my fear of having to spend the time and money to get a new cable.   This fear also came from past experiences where I have lost time and money due to situations where unanticipated circumstances arose - as they always do to test our self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in frustration to a situation based on my past experiences where I have lost money in the past.  I realize that this fear of 'not making money' is based on my programmed personality system which I am responsible to stop and change as changing myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be directed and controlled by fear and/or frustration of any kind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to frustration by not being aware of myself - as breath - in each moment.  As if I had fallen asleep - sleep walking, I allowed a system of frustration to infiltrate my physical body and mind-control me into doing something that I did not wish to do.  I realize that frustration is a form of demonic possession that is my responsibility to stop and not allow such situations to have an opportunity to occur in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and others through not immediately recognizing and taking responsibility to correct my actions through speaking self-forgiveness as a self-correction in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide from myself the fact that I had allowed myself to be controlled by a programmed energy frustration system.  When and as I see such situations occur within my walking process, I stop myself and recognize the pattern playing out in myself and correct myself so that I do not incur further consequence for myself and others through dishonesty as hiding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that what I allow within me as thought projections has consequences - regardless of my situation - I am responsible to stop any and all system mind manifestations from taking control and directing me and my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unprepared in a moment to face myself in self-honesty where I allowed myself to 'sleep walk' and so fall prey to a system energy demon of frustration so that I could see what I was allowing within myself.

I commit myself to stand aware at all times and be prepared to face myself in self-honesty so that I am ready to immediately place the correction when i recognize any movement within myself that is not self-directed.

I commit myself to catch myself at times when I am not in my breath and not directing myself moment to moment.

I commit myself to slow myself down whenever I see that I am susceptible to situations where I am not aware of myself as directing every action and outflow as to take responsibility for everything I do in absolute self-honesty

I commit myself to realize the absolute necessity of directing myself in every moment so that I do not miss myself and thus miss my opportunity to transcend and change the bullshit programming of what I have created myself as in this world.

Day 16 - Fear of Being Here

After reading Gian's blog, I realized the hidden conversations I have been having lately in my mind.  I was justifying them as 'working myself out' within my process.  The hidden fear within my justifications was that I am afraid of having to 'do the work' of actually directing every action that I do, and every word that I speak as equal to who I am here as a physical being.  I am afraid of facing the fact that I am currently not directing every single action that I am doing within my physical experience.

Inter-arrestingly, I fear not being able to 'rest'.  In so, I deny the rest of myself, and allow unrest to exist within me and my world through my personal desire for comfort and rest.  

I am not referring to issues where I have to common sensically figure things out such as 'how will I repair my truck' or 'how many such and such I will need for this job' etc.

I am referring to the conversations in my head where I try to justify my ego/personality thinking processes out of fear, instead of applying self-forgiveness when they arise, as investigating and stopping myself from being controlled by thoughts.  I am a physical being, and so apart from practical living responsibilities that require calculations, I do not need a judge in my head to tell me I am 'right' or 'wrong'. 

When I think I am 'right' - I am automatically 'wrong' by default, because I participated in the polarity design thought process, where one creates the other as cause and effect.

Why do I fear taking responsibility for each thought that arise and direct myself to do Self-Forgiveness and walk the physical correction? 

For myself, it is the fear of being honest with myself, fear of admitting to myself that I was 'wrong'.  Reluctance to go back and have to re-walk the point where I fucked up.  I seem to prefer to believe that I am right in my mind because it makes me feel better about myself, instead of sticking to my commitment of aligning myself with the physical as being here, constantly and consistently without thought judgements and justifications.

It seems so much easier to just forget about it.  But each time I miss the opportunity to transcend the 'desire to be right', the desire to be a 'hero in my mind' and so continue to exist as a 'mind robot' enslaved to a personality construct. 

I just had the thought now "gawd I hope this gets easier" lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my mind conversations as 'working myself out' in my mind, where I realize that those points that come up must be addressed and forgiven so I can walk the correction of just being here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't think about things, I will not understand myself and perhaps miss a point about myself. Yet if I simply direct myself in everything I do as breath as the physical, that is how I will transcend all ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not worthy of becoming life here as the physical in the polarity design of believing that I am less than the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear directing myself as purely physical here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become because I fear the consequences of what I have allowed.  I realize that I must face the consequences regardless, so there is no point in fearing what is already here.  The only way to stop further consequence is to stop my ego and become purely physical here in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear torture and pain and death, as that is fear of self and thus pointless.  I embrace myself here so I can change what I have allowed myself to become and support equality of life in all ways to actually stop torture pain and death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to rest in the desire for personal comfort while others suffer in my world.  I realize that comfort and rest can only be real if all are able to be comfortable and rest equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong and desiring to be right in my head.  I realize that this fear and desire is based on a polarity design that only exists within my self-created fantasy world of imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'doing the work' to perfect myself as standing absolutely within and as the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-correction as 'work' as enslavement when actually self-correction is the opposite as stopping the enslavement as work so I can free myself as all of existence from the enslavement to systems of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am right so I can have a good feeling about myself rather than actually face myself and walk the correction and change myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the commitment I have made to myself as standing for equality and what is best for all until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a hero in my mind where I am the winner that must be worshiped as a god in deluded self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the design of 'hope' where I only hope to transcend my ego rather than actually facing the points here as and when they come up as thoughts, judgements and justifications within me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'Gawd, I hope this gets easier', while in reality as the physical, there is only what is here as not existing within a definition of 'hard' or 'easy' but me as having the opportunity to face myself and correct myself here within and as breath in each new moment until I live what is best for all in every way.