Day 302

From Monday November 21 2016

Feel ok today.  2 drops of peroxide is really helping I find.

Thinking I should buy that little honda.  Bought it.  Lets see what happens.

If I don't have any stress, my mind creates stress, partially to avoid the feeling of guilt.

Do I have any special ability which I am response-able to manifest. Fail expert. lol. Mental escape artist. lol.

I would have liked to applied myself, at least made the effort to be a good Story teller.  Not in vanity however.  I see how I never took the time to develop that within myself. Perhaps I should make a point of that.  I would have to learn to be more direct firstly.

I keep going back to the memories of playing warcraft.  There were some fun times, however it does consume a lot of time.  I must not abuse it in the desire to escape, or fear of facing my issues, or allow it to compromise me in any way.  I see how I could have developed myself in many different ways, however I neglected working on myself in favor of the embellishment of myself within that game.  I did not have a clear perspective of myself.

Life is so much different now then things were even 20 years ago.  I am quite isolated. I feel as though I were on a deserted planet almost.  What a shock to realize that I am not fully standing with my body.

Its not so much that I was trying to be a hero, I don't blame myself for that, only practically there are things which I did not address effectively, like creating support for myself.

Mapping my mind.
Relationships - I can understand how it makes things easier on myself if I were to view myself through the eyes of someone whom I cared about and had a relationship with.  I have created mental relationships, yet not been fully responsible.  I feel very naive, awkward, and embarrassed.  I have to correct these points.  I have done this but not thoroughly enough.  I have acquired all of my systems through relationships.

I should like to sign up for DIP again should I recover.

When death comes you have no choice but to embrace it.  The great fear that lies ahead, that none of us are prepared for.  I recall the days of hell from my CO poisoning. That was so terrible.  I do not wish to feel like that again.

Movie Avatar - The Navi make their connection with the physical reality, from their occipital bone, through their pony tail.  They connect with animals and plants, and as alluded to in the beginning where Grace says "don't play with that or you will go blind" - it is closely related to the sex system.  So this illustrates the point that we have lost our connection with the physical reality within our defining, limiting, judging, and classifying roles within sex.  We do not recognize what we sacrifice.

The Navi also say " I see you" within a deeper context of seeing into a person, beyond what appears through our eyes, beyond the senses - awareness of the self, the life force within all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by beauty and love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost, distanced from myself, and stumble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the opposite of what I wanted for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in myself, and lose hope with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take life lightly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things about that which I do not fully understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to recognize how others have helped me and supported me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted what gifts were given to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize the best of myself so that I might return honor for life, and not be ashamed of myself.