Ever since my indoctrination into Christianity, which began when I was a child and forced to go to Sunday school, I have (allowed myself to have) been mind controlled at a very basic level.
Many of the stories of the bible can be very alluring to a child's mind. It is within these stories that I found myself very caught up in the all the fascination... supernatural tales filled with emotion, adventure, killings, and death of a god who apparently 'loved' me, as was repeated over, and over, and over ad nauseum. Much of it seemed a profound history lesson, which, was in contrast to typical schooling, where I felt like a force fed animal - this was very carefully and eagerly explained. The teachers seemed keen for me to learn, or 'get' something. The subject of hell was only occasionally touched on, usually with an eerie sentiment, in lowered voice, or half-jestingly, as if it were a taboo subject meant only to stir ones inner imaginations.
If we were to compare our minds to computer systems, this could be regarded as a low level formatting of a hard drive, as the primary physical memory/storage - where the basic instructions which handle how a disk drive (mind) is accessed, and setup to function are defined, laid out, and magnetically imprinted on the surface of the disk. A high level re-format of the disk drive will not remove the low level format, which requires a special command code to perform.
Here is my opportunity to expose this kind of child abuse, where helpless children are subjected to, and ingrained with religious belief systems at a very impressionable age. Not to mention the fact of sexual exploitation of children in these institutions, which I also personally experienced, thankfully not on an extreme level. These experiences were not isolated events, but took place within one of the most prominent church organizations in the city of Ottawa.
This is not to accuse or place specific blame on any individual, but for everyone to realize that we are all responsible for this type of abuse - as it is shamefully permitted to exist within our society - and considered NORMAL.
Some of the impact and consequences resulting from this have been...
Due to the instilled fear of condemnation/failure/punishment/hell, shame and humiliation have played a significant role within my subconscious mind, where I have played out many scenarios of how I would avoid 'undefined' circumstances, were I to be completely rejected, or abandoned.
This has in part been responsible for internal suppression and repression, where I would not wish to participate with others for fear of rejection.
False humility within an inflated inner ego, as a character of valor and/or virtue, seeing myself as better than (because of Christian beliefs), yet portraying myself as less than - as the humble character who is simply honored to serve gods greater purpose. Meanwhile, self-expansion is suppressed and diverted into futile tasks such as 'praying', or 'positive thinking'.
A sense of desire to give something of myself in order to prove my worthiness as within love - otherwise fear that I am not worthy, and so will be locked out of the experience, and be condemned to state of separation indefinitely, and possibly for eternity.
In that sense there is an anti-desire, or a detesting of any who do not have the same sense of depth of feeling.
Lack of confidence, self-doubt, instability as a constant state of unease, or uncertainty. Constantly second guessing myself. Always worried if what I am saying is 'okay' or 'valid'. Never able to discern for myself whether or not my thoughts, words, or actions are going to get me into trouble (from parents, teachers or god), and cause me to go into a state of fear/shame.
Low self esteem or no 'self respect' as having placed trust outside of myself and into parents or an invisible non-entity.
During many momentary interactions with others in my life, there has existed a desire for communication to be diverted into some manner of a joke, as if I must find a way to 'lighten up' or alleviate the experience of myself, to relieve the tension as the palpable awareness of mental discord, manifesting a sense of 'pressure' within subtle uncertainty, fear, and awkwardness - where the only immediate solution seems to be to make levity of the situation, as I try to 'smooth out' the discomfort within the awareness that something is deeply messed up within myself and others in my world.
Did I learn compassion from Christianity? The question is, would I have learned compassion had I not been indoctrinated?
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to basic level of mental programming within childhood indoctrination by way of Sunday school religious programming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of guilt within the experience of sexual exploitation during my childhood, through Sunday school teachers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experiences of shame/humiliation/failure/punishment/hell/abuse/abandonment/rejection within mental projections of my mind. I realize that these mechanisms of control only exist as energetic projections designed to keep me locked within a mental state of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a false humility character as the reflection of my inner ego defined by valor, and virtue taught by way of lessons from parents, teachers and Sunday school teachers. I realize that this type of aversion is self-dishonesty which prevents me from real expansion and living my fullest potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Christian beliefs within my mind such as the belief that I can place trust in a god who loves me and will save me from myself. I realize that these type of beliefs only lead to self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have to prove my worthiness within various forms of apparent 'love' which do not actually, physically create and manifest what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am unworthy of life as condemnation, and so within that fear create similar consequences of self condemnation within my mind and subsequently outer world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, and so detest others who I deem to not have the same sense of depth of feeling according to my imaginary mental beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack of confidence, exist within mental self-doubt, instability, unease, and/or uncertainty. I realize that these thought patterns do not support me, nor do they support the change that is needed within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have low self-esteem as a mental idea. I realize that when I stop judging myself, my esteem is irrelevant, as all of the physical reality is equal, and in that way life can be supported.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for communications to be diverted into some manner of a joke, in order to smooth things over, or avoid facing myself altogether as what is necessary to be addressed and corrected within a given interaction where I am able to speak freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in mental discord, pressure, uncertainty, and awkwardness within conversations. I realize that these mental emanations are designed to divert my attention away from the real matter at hand which must be faced and addressed. When and as I see myself within communicating with another person, I slow myself down within breath and allow myself to say what is necessary to be said without fear of reactions - and not in any way reacting within myself.
I commit myself to realize that compassion is inherent within life as common sense.
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