Day 268 - Emotional Barrage

Overcome by emotion this morning.  Difficult to understand or explain exactly how I felt.  Repressed - frustrated, restrained - as a result of past inferiority, doubt, fear of failure, ridicule, desire for revenge as giving up, lack of will, anger, agitation.  Like every emotion hitting me all at once.  The realization of how I feel I have messed up so many opportunities in my life, so what follows is frustration and repression of myself in the attempt to punish myself for what I have done to myself.  Trying to alleviate the anxiety as fear of failure, shame, humiliation and doubt that I will not be able to correct the wrongs that I have done to myself based on repeating patterns of the past.  This seems very ominous while being in this state, as if nothing can change it.  It is a problem which I have faced many times before, perhaps deeply rooted, so it will take some time and serious effort to correct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to punish myself for past mistakes, fears and missed opportunities to be honest with myself.  I realize that feeling bad about this does not create a solution to the problem and that I will have to walk myself out of this self-compromising pattern directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overcome by an emotional state of mind, and so thinking that this state of mind is me, my fault, and therefore I am really bad, or really stubborn, or really weak and so I should just give up.  I realize that the emotional state is not me, but a reflection of myself in judgment of myself, and therefore not a valid reason for me to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a repressive way towards myself because of past memories of myself believing myself to be inferior and therefore subject to the beliefs of others who judged me as weak, inferior, a failure, useless, and/or stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my ability to see when I am within a state of mind and my ability to stop myself and change the state of mind to a state of me being here with no mental judgments or involvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is useless to even try anything and that all effort is doomed to failure.  I realize that this is a justification to keep me repressed within myself so that I do not push my resistances to move myself and stand up for myself and for Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire revenge on myself and others by way of giving up.  I realize that this is unacceptable, firstly to seek revenge on myself and others because I am reacting to an obsolete state of mind in self-judgment based on erroneous beliefs which do not accurately address the source of the problem, which is my own irresponsibility to act in the best interest of all Life. Secondly, giving up - from the perspective of 'what can be done' - is not an option because I will eventually do something and within that realize that the only thing to do that is of any value is to do something that supports Life.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energy of anger as a channel for giving up, and giving up as an excuse to remain in a frustrated state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project failure into the future through feeling bad about my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use past experiences as justification to why I cannot move myself forward in my life, working towards goals.  I realize that I fear and hesitate to trust myself within trusting that any goals that I set for myself will be accomplished - thus the backchat 'what's the point of even trying?' because I will only feel more ashamed of myself when I fail to achieve my goals and thus more time wasted.

I realize that I am not wasting time if I am working on something that will help me towards a goal I have set.  Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time working towards my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate to trust myself within pushing myself to do practical things that will support me in working towards achieving my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure to achieve my goals, and within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be ashamed of myself if I do not achieve my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be drained by these emotional states of mind, and so push myself into the resistance to change the state of mind through writing, rather than remaining in a negative emotional state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself in revenge against myself and others. I realize that this is not a supportive solution to resolving the turmoil within myself.  When I see that I am within this type of emotional state of mind, I stop and breathe, slowing myself down so that I can regain control of myself and direct myself to stand in spite of the emotions in my head and body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a shameful experience of myself from patterns within my past.  I realize that this is an attempt by my mind as consciousness to prevent me from standing and asserting myself as the best I can be, as best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear humiliation and self-defeat, and so want to escape the possibility of these circumstances happening at all cost.  I realize that I must push myself to trust myself within my walking process, and that I must not seek to avoid myself or consequence, but face it directly in spite of fear.

I commit myself to change myself within taking responsibility - as taking action and taking control of myself when and as I see myself caught within an emotional state of mind.

I commit myself to see through what is happening to me during these occurrences - that it is not me, as a faulty me, but my mind judging me in order to get me to submit and remain mind controlled.

I commit myself to stopping all emotional reactions and states of mind in real time, so that I can move myself and get on with my life and the things that need to be done.

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