Day 238

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself extensively, thus not only preventing myself from opening my eyes to the physical reality of what is here, but also compounding my problems within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself and others down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get spooked when I see and/or recognize dimensions of myself for the first time, and within that go into a reaction of fear that I have made others upset or disappointed, and therefore wanting to hide myself in shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment to this process of self-honesty, and self-realization.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand myself to the extent which I believed I did not understand how to stop myself within myself. I realize I did not take responsibility to effectively establish self-trust and therefore was not completely honest with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my personality, character and or zodiac traits above those of others.

For all my contemplation, one would think that I would have come up with more solutions. However I have arrived at a number of interesting realizations.

I have put off blogging for quite some time.  During that time I have taken time to consider what possible things I could say that would provide an adequate explanation for my absence of participation. There are many things I could say, and every time I write something, it seems insufficient in one way or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my blogging will be insufficient.

I really do miss blogging and sharing my process.  Seeing myself as equal, I do have a responsibility to contribute and participate, to the extent that choice is an illusion.  Some things are difficult to face,
and even when they are faced, the past consequences have to be managed and worked out.


Additionally, we have to get over ourselves and change, being confident that we have sufficiently dealt with the points to the extent that we are able to trust ourselves to not again fall into the same patterns.  In sync with this we have to create a future for ourselves unlike that of which we have ever known - which is profoundly easier and more possible with a group.

For a large part of my absence, I have been able to keep up my writing and so have been able to solve a number of personal mysteries, with the help and support of others of course.  I have been nicotine free for approximately 1 year now, which has been a tremendous relief.  I have also been able to deal with a number of other alignment issues.  I have been able to stabilize for the most part.

It has just occurred to me how that both the fantasy and the reality are at times unseen.  I can create a fantastical happy place in my mind which is not real in the sense that it can be used to distract myself from what is here and necessary to be addressed.  At the same time, I am not able to (in this moment) see for example the reality of the extent of suffering in this world.

The point I am attempting to make is that, even though things are not seen, it does not mean that they do not exist, or on the other hand that they cannot be created.  To expand on this, within my process there have been many times where I saw no way of being able to change myself... things seemed impossible.  This argument is an excuse which does not stand, because we are only able to see a very small fraction or slice of our reality at any given time.  Most of our reality is actually 'unseen', but that does not mean that it does not or cannot exist to its fullest potential, or that there is no way to move forward, as often the path is only visible when the steps are about to be taken.  Our fullest potential is a distinct possibility.

 Some advice was given to me while walking in the woods at night at a summer camp I attended... “Make sure your step is secure before you shift your weight to it”.  That simple tip helped prevent me from tripping and was surprised how well it actually alleviated my fears.

Similarly, in the context of creating what is Best for All Life, there is nothing in the universe more secure and trustworthy than that.