Day 237

A few weeks ago I had a mild cold, which only held me back for a day or two from work.  Shortly after that I began noticing my existing symptoms of nausea (which I had been experiencing for a number of weeks already) and they seemed to be residing within my chest area.  I was uncertain as to the cause/source of this, and strangely it would be most prevalent in the morning and taper off in the afternoon.  As the symptoms became worse, I found I could no longer work.  This threw a wrench into all the plans and scheduling I had made in the weeks prior to this and so not only was I off work for a couple of weeks, I was out all the plans I had made and also behind in setting up new appointments for the weeks following.  

With this odd sickness and my uncertainty as to the cause and severity, I anticipated the worst case scenario as the symptoms somewhat resembled an episode of a sickness I had acquired just over a year ago - carbon monoxide poisoning.  The carbon monoxide poisoning caused all kinds of terrible symptoms and a month of living hell for which I am lucky to be alive, as many people die from this every year all over the world.

So in this time of reflection I have taken note of a number of points within myself which must be addressed.

1.  I have expectations as to how I believe my process will go, and then when things do not go according to how I expected them to go and go ill - such as the case of my nausea - I have a tendency to give up.  This giving up is within the belief that the current circumstance is the result of my past - and in so I judge myself as having failed myself.  Within that I lose all motivation and no longer have any desire to push resistances, preferring to accept my fate as it is.

2.  In this giving up, points of frustration arise from various thoughts, reflections and self-judgments - what        should I have done - what I should have accomplished - why did I not do things differently etc.  This brings into view the 'not so pretty' picture of who I have allowed myself to become and the fear of being stuck in this state of self-dishonesty.

I notice that when things are going well - money, health, direction etc - that I am over-confident.  Conversely when things are not going well, that I have tended to lose all confidence, preferring to sabotage myself in a form of self-punishment.  This punishment is the pattern that has played out throughout my life, where it has stood in place of finding the solution for myself - because I never conceived that a solution was possible - I always just accepted the fact that if I fail at something or fear to do something, I must punish myself in reflecting to others my frustration and anger so that they will feel sorry for me and change how they are living.   So there is blame within this, and me trying to punish others through punishing myself.  

Why does self-honesty seem superficial?  It seems strange to stand Equal because I fear the judgments of others - fear of being labelled as egotistical, fear of being inconsiderate, fear of revealing myself as who I am, as it is somewhat shameful.  Perhaps I fear losing my personality, perhaps I have not developed enough trust in myself yet to realize when/how to apply and express myself and when/how I am suppressing myself.

This whole point of me wanting to change others is out of line because my priority must first be changing myself.

I realize I have not changed my physical to stand in complete self-honesty yet.  I do desire to stand Equal to myself and my words yet it appears that I am still allowing myself to be controlled by the whims of others - fearing the reactions and judgments of others - as well as fearing taking responsibility and forcing myself to move and change myself - self-discipline.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations as to how my process would go, and within realization that it is not going 'that way', I participated in the pattern of giving up.  I realize this pattern is a cover for self-sabotage and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed myself in self-judgement.  I realize that this idea of failure is the pre-programmed design in which we train ourselves to suppress ourselves in the acceptance of a competitive based system rather than living and applying the principle of sharing and self-forgiveness - this idea of failure is therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in self-dishonesty and so continuing to go in circles in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am compromising and sabotaging myself through self-punishment which I have learned through society and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself and learning to trust myself  in stopping myself from being controlled by fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself to the extent that I believe I must punish and sabotage myself in getting revenge against myself as a proxy to getting revenge on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by sabotaging and punishing myself that I am able to escape consequence and my responsibility to stand within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself through fearing my situation, fearing death and diminishment.  I realize that giving up is futile and not a valid option as it is only a game I play in which I believe that I can try to escape myself momentarily, and so use that time as a justification to go into feelings of regret, blame and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself through self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I commit myself to push through the desire to give up within the realization that giving up is futile and only self-harming, and therefore of no benefit to anyone including myself.