Day 236

So it would appear that I have a slight motivational problem yet I am unsure of the source, so more investigative writing going back into the point and how it started.  So I was feeling upset with things in my life, as the realization is here every day of the problems which seem to be only getting worse.  So the point came up that I am not motivated because I am 'stuck' in a number of problem to which I do not readily have the answer, and to which I am uncertain of the outcome or how I should go about it.  It's quite foolish that I get stuck in these things, and so want to do other things in avoiding the problem (hoping it will solve itself in time) when if I just brainstorm a bit to find a solution, then perhaps I can resolve it on my own.  I think the problem comes from learned behavior of my childhood.  I can recall not wanting to do homework and schoolwork, as I did not care about getting good grades.  So within the education system, I trained myself to deny my responsibilities in a way because I was able to get away with it without seeing any significant consequence.   I  trained myself to procrastinate, and trained myself to be rebellious to the system, contriving ways that I could 'just get by', as I really was not interested in schoolwork whatsoever.

So coming back to the problem of no motivation, as me just wanting to do everything in the last minute I realize that it really causes problems for me and compounds issues that really should not be that big of a deal.  I have to find ways to motivate and discipline myself, which seems very difficult at the moment – a big change.   I have to realize that if I do not find a way to motivate myself, the situations get worse and problems create frustration and anger and all kinds of more problems.  I have created a situation where because I did not take responsibility in the past to create for myself something rewarding that is stable and that I would really enjoy, now I have the consequence to deal with for that, which is really not cool.  This on top of this constant vendetta my mind has on me where I have to constantly seek revenge on myself for what I allowed in my past.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I hate working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money to advertise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and spite myself through neglect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to search for a solution to my problem, but prefer to allow them to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting too much money on gas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overcharging people for estimates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my house and my vehicle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gas prices will become too expensive for me to work and do business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world and so want to take that out on myself through denying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take out a vendetta against myself because of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to foresee a goal and a plan that would be effective in allowing myself to be productive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself for my past.