Day 432 - Reactions

 Saturday October 3

Playing my game I got very upset after losing many consecutive games.  Later, I won a bunch of games and I got the sense that others were not upset.  I see that I have the tendency to react in anger when I should be recognizing the resonant factor as a suggestion to do something else with my time.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize the cue to do something more productive with my time that would contribute to my well being and the well being of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I become agitated rather than taking the initiative to refresh myself, awaken and do something different 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger as opposed to seeing that episode as an opportunity for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the pattern rather than seeing the pattern for what it is and taking direction to change myself

Rant

Questioning existence as to why it is the way it is, that is subject to corruption of all types at the expense of those less fortunate and ultimately all life.  In this context, there is nothing here of any sustainable interest as it is all subject to repeating patterns and entropy.   It is astounding how the average human can be endlessly entertained by drivel.  The only explanation can be that there is an alternate reality playing out in the mind which is in turn the actual entertainer in such interactions.  The mystery of existence itself is often enough to hold a man hypnotically perplexed, not to mention man's desire to heroically 'do good' so as to purchase freedom for others at his/her own expense.  Martyrdom in that sense is not altruistic, but actually a profitable business from the perspective of balancing ones ego conscience and alleviating karmic debt.  Fascinating again how most fall for that fairy tale. 

Day 431 - Blame

 Wednesday September 30

Why do I do what I do.  

Judgment feelings

Blame feelings

Anger emotion, feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor feelings of anger without realizing the hidden projection of blame behind what is disguised as anger.  I realize that within me not being specific with regards to exposing this projection, I am participating in blame and so perpetuating the problem rather than taking responsibility to correct the point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge on myself through the projection of blame disguised as anger, and so use that anger as an excuse why I do not have to do anything because it is someone else's fault that I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have prevent myself from seeing myself with regards to what are my strengths and weaknesses so that I can move forward with confidence in whatever point that I am able to contribute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify irresponsibility through uncertainty.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility within a negative charge/connotation attaching to the definition a series of belief systems based on past events which were not actual responsibility but enslavement.  I realize that responsibility can be enjoyable, rewarding, and can prevent negative consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool of myself and so within that not realize that that fear creates suppression which in turn creates missed opportunity for growth and expansion and potentially tragic consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubt and the doubting of myself through limited awareness of self

Day 430 - Missed Opportunity

 Thursday September 24, 2020

Pickleball was fun tonight.  I was playing well.   I have found a new card game on the internet that has had my attention for the past few days.  It began as a physical card game about 20-30 years ago, and I have wanted to play the game for a long time but never took the time to learn it.   Its strange, because the game is something I would have enjoyed in the past.  As I was considering why I have never got into it before, I realized there were a few reasons.  

Firstly, because I never knew anyone who played, and there were no group gatherings I knew of in the area.  

Secondly,  I never invested the time and effort to find groups that played.  

Thirdly, I was uncertain about unknown factors such as cost, time, and interestingly there was a slight fear because partly due to my religious programming, I thought that there was something evil about the game.  So because of my judgments and assumptions, I did not investigate and so missed the opportunity to enjoy a really intriguing and cool pastime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments and assumptions about a card game which I judged as evil without investigation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting for the time and effort to investigate for myself ways I could have explored how this game worked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by subtle programmed fears and uncertainty as opposed to seeing and testing things for myself  

   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up on opportunities that would have allowed for expansion and self development which could have created more growth and more opportunities beyond that

Day 429 - Dream Reflection

 Monday September 21, 2020

Dream

I was with a few women in a very old house.  We discovered a hidden passageway to a very old room which contained an astounding collection of ancient masterpieces.  They were very odd looking, but just by glancing upon them one could tell that they were crafted with extreme care and must have taken a very long time to complete.  One piece was a 6 foot corner shelving type unit with a steel frame that was filled out with extremely detailed beeswax.  The girl I was immediately enamored with the piece and grabbed it as if to take it with her.  In doing so she melted some of the wax with her hands and marred the piece.  There was another strange piece that caught my attention.  It was a closed hand held mirror which was completely covered in a very rough vine-like texture.  It had an actual vine all around it, and the vine came off the top of the mirror as if to form half of an eternity symbol.  I recall how deeply precious this piece felt to me, and the emotion carried out as I woke up remembering the dream. 

In reflection, I see that we as humans sometimes completely miss the beauty and awe of life as represented by the hidden passage.  Sometimes if and when we do find it, we quickly become enamored and get so caught up in the beauty that we can miss the point and try to possess that which cannot be possessed.  I see that we cannot fathom the care and effort that has gone in times before us, but sometimes there is a remnant left for us to discover.  I see that the most dear treasures are not fully understood, they can be felt for a short time, yet the feelings are fleeting, coming and going like the wind.   

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point in trying to possess beauty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own existence, myself, my potential, my expression, my purpose and reason for being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in the belief that I can be something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have not equally given back to life all that has been given to me 

Day 428 - Reading it Wrong

 Thursday September 17, 2020

Dream

I was walking around in a downtown section of what felt like my city of Ottawa.  It was nighttime and there were various people walking around.  There was a single story white brick building and I was walking around it looking for an entrance.  I was looking for a place to stay for the night and while this building did not have any signs describing itself as a hotel, I had a feeling that I had been there before so I was intent on getting inside to at least ask someone.  I did find the door, and when I got in there was an older gentleman that greeted me.  I just had to pose for a picture to get access to a room for the night.  Once my picture was taken, I was led down a hallway and greeted by a tall blond woman.  She then led me further into the building where I received a towel and some supplies for the night.  It looked like an office building on the inside which had cubicles walls halfway to the ceiling.  She showed me to a very small cubicle which there was a sink on one side and a red headed girl sitting in a chair on the other.  The blond lady was showing me the sink and strangely mentioned to me to not touch her leg for more than 3 seconds.  My guess was that she had that happen to her recently and felt uncomfortable about it.  The blond lady left and I turned to the smiling red haired girl.  In a force of habit I greeted her with an awkwardly gentle fist bump.  I realized I vaguely knew her from somewhere as she mentioned she was just finishing up some work and would be leaving shortly thereafter.   

Haven't had so much excitement around pickleball lately, the game is still enjoyable, however I guess I have learned about as much as I can from it.   I see it as necessary exercise for the body, and a point of interacting with the community here.  I suspect I am not challenging myself or others as much as I could be, just going along with the flow and not taking initiative to expand self awareness.  

Reading it wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in my expectations of how others will judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in how I will react if others judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown aspects of myself and in that suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through the hidden fear of the unknown, not realizing that the fear of the unknown is actually a major key to self realization and self expansion beyond the mundane systematic programming.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read it wrong in projecting judgments in how I think others are judging me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reactions are coming from past experiences of being punished and told that I am a 'bad person' for not realizing and understanding myself. 

Day 427 - Time and Freedom

 Wednesday September 16, 2020

Message that occurred to me last night:  Time is the point that reveals self honesty

Was feeling a bit tired and nauseous today, so did some groceries then slept for a bit.  Grateful that I have the ability to take time to rest when others do not have the luxury.  

Its interesting how we see many protesters these days are shouting 'freedom!', as if that were a point of unity.  Freedom is non specific, and so can incur many forms of self interest justified by the fact that it is proclaimed without context.  Non-contextualized freedom can only exist in a mental state of chaotic insanity, and so it is not truly free, but rather the opposite, as non are free until all is free.  Any revolution consisting of groups that are non-specific, and thus not based in any unified principle are divided and so subject to inevitable disintegration.  The simple common sense solution is to create a world that supports life in the best way possible, that is actually best for all life.  That way, no deception can exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in abstaining from pushing myself to do my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my input is less valid than that of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as time so that I may give myself time to create what is necessary to be created for my best and the best for all life here. 

Day 426 - Working for Buddy

 Tuesday September 15, 2020

Worked for an old buddy from h.s. Today.  Had some convo afterwords that was quite eye opening as to how some people I have known for a long time have been existing.  A part of me was surprised, and interestingly another part was delighted to know that some people that I have known have been so 'wild' and rebellious.  That is a selfish feeling that came up and I would not glorify it, as the consequences although unseen, are surely disgraceful for all affected.  It is so strange in contrast to what I have been going through the past 20 years or so, I literally feel like I've been living on a different planet.  This world is insane.  For myself to have been given the opportunity to realize the greater solution is a truly amazing and unfathomable gift and one that I would not trade for anything.  I tried to explain to my buddy, and while he did seem to understand some points I made, I know he could not grasp the whole picture, no matter how simple I made it.  

     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel delighted to know people who have embellished themselves in existence.  I realize the consequences are not something worthy of glorifying.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better than others who have lived these types of experiences, I realize that I could easily be in their shoes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others who have lived a wild and rebellious lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fearful for not living on the edge like others who have been described to me.  I realize that these things are done from the starting point of glorifying a personality in self interest, thus nothing new, just a robotic cycle of self indulgent ignorance of the greater picture.