Day 273 - Grateful

I am grateful for being given the gift of expression within this physical existence

I am grateful for having been cared for, fed, clothed, sheltered, and assisted through childhood to adulthood

I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to know acceptance, and rejection

I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to be helped, and to be hurt

I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to receive care, and to realize the limitations of care in this world

I am grateful to have been given the gift of stories, that for a time carried me away to show me awesome perspectives that filled my imagination with wonder and amazement

I am grateful to have had the chance to live a healthy life, to walk, run, dance, climb, swim, bike, and drive

I am grateful to have had the chance to learn, understand, question, investigate, realize, challenge, and create solutions to assist myself and others

I am grateful to have been given the gift of insight and awareness, and the realization that that gift carries with it a responsibility

I am grateful to have been given the unconditional gifts of support that has assisted and challenged me to support myself and others, and to realize I can do more

I am grateful for the realization of the understanding of Equality, and how I have been given the opportunity to stand for Life in the physical

I am grateful that there are others who also Care about Life, and are willing to Walk the process of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness, and Change as well

My whole life has been a Gift

Gratitude helps me to see my Responsibility

To Realize the Joy of Embracing, Changing, and Returning that Gift

It is only Fitting that I Give myself to Life


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Day 272 - Mind Relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationship connections within my mind and reality based on what I have been taught to believe is good for me, without considering the fact that what I have been taught and programmed to believe is in separation from what is actually best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel myself into a desire for energy as a thought - by means of an energetic relationship to a word, or an entity, or a being - and so place that desire in higher priority to directly moving myself towards creating physical living solutions that will support life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself seduce myself within the desire for energy, as 'good' or 'positive' thoughts, ideas, beliefs, opinions, and feelings - without realizing that my personal definition of 'good' is based in Self Interest, and therefore not actually 'good' for the entirety of existence, but indirectly harmful through irresponsibility to investigate the source point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create energetic mind relationships within myself, and so use those energetic relationship dynamics to validate and justify my 'non physical' ego/mind within a limited self-definition of myself, and in so doing, denying myself access to myself, in separation to the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not given myself the time and opportunity to deconstruct and examine the energetic relationship dynamics within myself, as to what is the foundational purpose for their existence within me, and how they are bound and maintained through the words which I utter internally, and voice externally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to create an alternate personality from who I am here as my physical expression, and in so doing, believe that I can escape myself through switching from personality to personality, attempting to avoid responsibility to take directive principle of myself, for myself in order to to do what must be done to bring myself to Life.

I commit myself to deconstruct, examine and if necessary re-create the (word, entity, and being) relationships within myself (and without) so that all relationships are clearly defined and directed for the sole purpose of creating myself as Equal to the physical existence of what is here, so that Life can be supported unconditionally.

I commit myself to demonstrate to myself if the relationships I maintain or create are in fact working for the purpose of supporting Life, or supporting energetic dynamics of polarity - so that I may change and correct any relationship dynamics to be in alignment with the one purpose of creating what is best for All Life.

Day 271 - My Self Righteous Belief Pt. 2

...So the doctors prescribed a medication for my anxiety related symptoms, which I took for 2 weeks to get myself through.  My heart was frantically skipping beats, and I had a deep sense of terror or 'impending doom' at random times of the day.  I just remember it being not fun at all.

I eventually got over the anxiety, and my life changed, but the horrible feeling inside myself remained inescapable.  I began to retreat more into myself, sliding deeper into my shell of self-pity and blame, as I started to realize everything was a diversion, and no one had the answers to what I was feeling inside myself.

I wandered far off into endless fantasies of awe and wonder at the great mystery of life.  T.V., music, books, movies... whatever would keep my mind occupied and hypnotized.  I was comforted by the thought that somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew someone, or something, was aware of me, and what was going on inside of me.  I had failed to make the connection, that it was because of that one Self Righteous Belief I had created for myself in the early years (That Rich people were evil), I assumed it would be okay to 'give up' and continue playing the self pity game.  I never considered the fact that I had slowly, and surely, lured myself into a state of accepted denial, running from my fears, and hiding myself in even more compounding emotional reactions of shame, guilt, and regret.

Today I look back and see how I  had been a complete sucker for the lies of this world - allowed myself to be bullied and intimidated by all of the 'Authority figures'.  Parents, teachers, principles, law enforcement, judges, doctors etc.  All making themselves out to be better than me, and I gobbled it all up.  For what?  For the sake of a fear, that is not even real.  Needless to say there is shame in that, and sometimes wish I could go back in time if only for a few delicious moments, knowing what I know now.

I had little self-respect left.  I, as Gollum, had chosen revenge, in my mind secretly blaming others and the system... while in reality, I was only punishing myself.  I had fallen so deeply in love with my precious, the fantasy that one day I would have sweet poetic justice, that I expelled myself from everyone, hiding myself away.  Part of me felt awful, yet part of me was in bliss.

As time passed, I eventually gained some perspective and started to see the extent of the problem, thanks to Desteni.  I tried a number of different ways of coping with my denial.  Trying to copy the successes of others has turned out disastrous every time.

Walking myself backwards to see how all of this happened has helped me significantly, and I have done much self forgiveness.  It takes a long time and a lot of work to get oneself back to a semblance of understanding and self-awareness, and I have yet to fully develop a deeply self-honest expression for myself.

All of this because of the fact that I didn't understand myself well enough from the beginning of my life.  This has impacted on many other people, not just myself!  The initial Self-Righteous Belief I had in my head, that rich people were evil could easily have been corrected!.  I can only imagine how different my life would have been if that little belief had been cleared up when I was young.  If only I had been encouraged to develop Self honesty and Self Responsibility first. If only I had realized that we are ALL evil for accepting and allowing this deception! My life would have been much different.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this world system to exist the way it does - as False Authority, False Responsibility, False Honesty, and Real Slavery!  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ourselves to be suppressed so badly that we do not even develop our Self-honest expression as the Courage to Face our Fears and Change ourselves to Unconditional Support of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing children to grow up with False Beliefs in their mind about how the world is... when it isn't that way at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a False Perception and thus a False Expression of ourselves to exist in Spite of our Potential to Create what is Best for All Life.

I forgive myself for All of this Deliberate Abuse that does not support Self-Responsible, Self Honest, Respect for Life as a Whole.


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Day 270 - My Self Righteous Belief

Considering the point of what my goals are, or were in life.  Why did I not have any goals for myself?  As I remember, I recall abstaining from trying to attain some lofty, achievement oriented character, so that I could make relationship connections with more genuine and humble people in life.  Rich people were evil in my opinion.

Looking back at this belief I had within myself, not only was it an inaccurate judgment and generalization, but it also played a large part in diverting me from being the best I could be.  I limited the scope of who I could be, based on this one point of self-righteous misconception.  Due to this state of mind I was in, I never really understood myself enough to create, or live a goal which I would have been proud of throughout my entire life experience.  I had limited myself to being an underachiever through this one, simple, false perception.  Sad.

Being a rock star was an early goal that never really panned out, but I'm okay with that now lol.  I understand I did not work hard enough at any one thing in particular, part of the reason was because I was waiting for the right thing to come into my life, waiting for myself, to discover who I was, to discover how I could get people to like me.

I remember the struggles of wanting to be liked, and being frustrated for not understanding if people liked me or not, and if not, why not?  I really had no foundation for understanding myself.  I had a vague idea of who I was in certain moments, where I would try to be funny and make people laugh, or act silly to lighten up a situation - the Mr. Nice Guy curse - which I grew to detest, because I used that character to hide how I was really feeling, as the angry me on the inside.  I was the hero in my head, who sacrificed himself in trying to make other people feel better.  Oh gawd,... why didn't I see that!! I had no self-trust, no self-honesty, and so my expression was completely messed up.

This was internally very stressful, and there were many hard lessons.  My emotions and reactions remained largely bottled up, as there was no one I could honestly share them with, let alone understand them, or even understand how to change myself.  I developed acute anxiety which lead to panic attacks, as all of the fears and emotions compounding within myself.  My body was communicating to me that clearly there was something wrong, but no doctors, nor myself, knew what it was.

To be continued...

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Day 269 - Misunderstanding or Denial?

We could say that, the collective state of Human Behavior is entirely a consequence of one Big Misunderstanding... and from a certain Perspective, that would be accurate because, it is Clear and Obvious that, for all of our Education, People do not Grasp, or Realize the True Nature of Our Interconnected Reality.  If we did, Then we would Not be allowing so much Abuse in Our World. This leads us to the following questions...

Why is there a Big Misunderstanding in Humanity?

Why do we Remain in this State of Misunderstanding?

What is Required to Change so that we no longer Misunderstand Each Other and our Reality?



The Key to Solving these Questions is in Resolving this most Intriguing Riddle...

Why is there a Tremendous Amount of Suffering in Existence?

Most would agree, that (this suffering) is primarily Justified (accepted and allowed) by Collectively Divided Beliefs and Opinions of a Higher Power, and that this Higher Power is using Suffering as a means of 'Teaching us' How to Love, or Ascend to a Higher Realm, or Evolve into some Imaginary form of Perfection.  If we investigate these Beliefs honestly, it will not take very long to come to the Conclusion that they are all Unsubstantiated, Nonsensical, Fairy-Tale Delusions, established for the Purpose of Centralized Control of Society and Human Behavior.

Fascinatingly, most people accept these Beliefs and Opinions, either Overtly or Discretely as terms of a Compromise, for which the Trade-off being... 'Comfort' as a Security Blanket to keep us Safe - in Exchange for - Accepting and Allowing Dishonesty, as the Mental State of Fear, Secretly Aware and Excited by the Dangerously Addictive Game of... 'Perhaps I will be the One who Rises to Greatness - or Perhaps I will be the One who Suffers Greatly'!  So in Essence, our lives are Fueled and Controlled by this Subtle Fear Stimulus... and that Fear is Directly Caused by our Deliberately accepted and allowed Beliefs, used as Justifications for Dishonesty.

This is Not Difficult to Understand, yet many will Not Investigate, Because they are Afraid of what they may Find... Perhaps Afraid because they know they will have to Surrender to the Fact they have Lived a Lie, and therefore will have no Choice but to Change.  This Realization is like a form of Death - Which Everyone is so Fearful of - As the Death of our Highly Valued Personal Belief Systems.  Hence the 'Big Misunderstanding'... Or is it Really Blatant Denial?  If so, then what is the Actual, Full Consequence of this Blatant Denial?  Shame on us All for Allowing this in our Shared Physical Existence.

Most people do not Realize, the Fact that we can Change, and that that Process of Change is not something to be Feared, but rather Embraced.  It can actually be Very Rewarding... it just takes the Courage to make the Decision to drop the Charade, in taking the Responsibility to be Honest with Ourselves and Stand for Life.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my Misunderstanding of Reality, why I Believe I do not need to take Responsibility to Research, Investigate, and Understand for Myself, in Self-Honesty.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Protect the Lie, and Protect Misunderstanding, because I Desire to Feel Safe in Self-Interest as a Compromise of Life Itself.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Exist Blindly, never Standing up to take Responsibility for Myself to See what is Really Going On, and Why Suffering exists as a Consequence of My accepted and allowed Beliefs which Serve as a Justification for my own Self-Interest at the Expense of Others.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel Good about Myself because I Believe I am Not Religious, when in fact This Very Belief is in Fact a Religion of Self-Righteousness as my Justification for why I don't have to Take Responsibility to Stand for the Only Solution to the Misunderstanding, Confusion, and Disgrace of Life.


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Day 268 - Emotional Barrage

Overcome by emotion this morning.  Difficult to understand or explain exactly how I felt.  Repressed - frustrated, restrained - as a result of past inferiority, doubt, fear of failure, ridicule, desire for revenge as giving up, lack of will, anger, agitation.  Like every emotion hitting me all at once.  The realization of how I feel I have messed up so many opportunities in my life, so what follows is frustration and repression of myself in the attempt to punish myself for what I have done to myself.  Trying to alleviate the anxiety as fear of failure, shame, humiliation and doubt that I will not be able to correct the wrongs that I have done to myself based on repeating patterns of the past.  This seems very ominous while being in this state, as if nothing can change it.  It is a problem which I have faced many times before, perhaps deeply rooted, so it will take some time and serious effort to correct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to punish myself for past mistakes, fears and missed opportunities to be honest with myself.  I realize that feeling bad about this does not create a solution to the problem and that I will have to walk myself out of this self-compromising pattern directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overcome by an emotional state of mind, and so thinking that this state of mind is me, my fault, and therefore I am really bad, or really stubborn, or really weak and so I should just give up.  I realize that the emotional state is not me, but a reflection of myself in judgment of myself, and therefore not a valid reason for me to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a repressive way towards myself because of past memories of myself believing myself to be inferior and therefore subject to the beliefs of others who judged me as weak, inferior, a failure, useless, and/or stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my ability to see when I am within a state of mind and my ability to stop myself and change the state of mind to a state of me being here with no mental judgments or involvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is useless to even try anything and that all effort is doomed to failure.  I realize that this is a justification to keep me repressed within myself so that I do not push my resistances to move myself and stand up for myself and for Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire revenge on myself and others by way of giving up.  I realize that this is unacceptable, firstly to seek revenge on myself and others because I am reacting to an obsolete state of mind in self-judgment based on erroneous beliefs which do not accurately address the source of the problem, which is my own irresponsibility to act in the best interest of all Life. Secondly, giving up - from the perspective of 'what can be done' - is not an option because I will eventually do something and within that realize that the only thing to do that is of any value is to do something that supports Life.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energy of anger as a channel for giving up, and giving up as an excuse to remain in a frustrated state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project failure into the future through feeling bad about my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use past experiences as justification to why I cannot move myself forward in my life, working towards goals.  I realize that I fear and hesitate to trust myself within trusting that any goals that I set for myself will be accomplished - thus the backchat 'what's the point of even trying?' because I will only feel more ashamed of myself when I fail to achieve my goals and thus more time wasted.

I realize that I am not wasting time if I am working on something that will help me towards a goal I have set.  Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time working towards my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate to trust myself within pushing myself to do practical things that will support me in working towards achieving my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure to achieve my goals, and within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be ashamed of myself if I do not achieve my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be drained by these emotional states of mind, and so push myself into the resistance to change the state of mind through writing, rather than remaining in a negative emotional state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself in revenge against myself and others. I realize that this is not a supportive solution to resolving the turmoil within myself.  When I see that I am within this type of emotional state of mind, I stop and breathe, slowing myself down so that I can regain control of myself and direct myself to stand in spite of the emotions in my head and body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a shameful experience of myself from patterns within my past.  I realize that this is an attempt by my mind as consciousness to prevent me from standing and asserting myself as the best I can be, as best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear humiliation and self-defeat, and so want to escape the possibility of these circumstances happening at all cost.  I realize that I must push myself to trust myself within my walking process, and that I must not seek to avoid myself or consequence, but face it directly in spite of fear.

I commit myself to change myself within taking responsibility - as taking action and taking control of myself when and as I see myself caught within an emotional state of mind.

I commit myself to see through what is happening to me during these occurrences - that it is not me, as a faulty me, but my mind judging me in order to get me to submit and remain mind controlled.

I commit myself to stopping all emotional reactions and states of mind in real time, so that I can move myself and get on with my life and the things that need to be done.

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Day 267 - Inauthenticity

Simple Online Definition of Inauthentic
: not real, accurate, or sincere : not authentic


Sounding
In Awe then tic - as if to be momentarily stunned by beauty, then as a dimension of time


Questions
How is Inauthenticity harmful, deceitful, and a defense mechanism?

How can we address Inauthenticity within ourselves and/or others, without being harsh, or judgmental?



In My Own Words

An inauthentic person is someone who unconsciously holds a false perception, belief, or opinion of reality within the fear of loss, even though that fear may well be unsubstantiated.

False perceptions then manifest as 'false character', which is then projected into conversational interactions, where external validation is sought from a second party in order to justify and validate the false perception(s) and character(s).  This is done so that one may sustain ones 'false character' and perceptions, and thus ones positional advantage within relationships and society as a whole.  This is all very cunningly accomplished, and inevitably leads to harmful, manipulative, and abusive behavior.

Inauthenticity is a consequence of being dishonest with ourselves in even the most innocuous of circumstances in our past, where we have not 'owned up' to ourselves and everyone else about how we really feel.  Within this, we learned that we can get away with 'little white lies' where people in our relationships have accepted and allowed our Self-dishonesty.  What is really sad, is that Inauthenticity comes from placing our self-interested desires before that of being truthful to ourselves and others.  This is unacceptable, and will not stand the test of Life.

An authentic person will recognize the truth of themselves, and readily admit when they are being dishonest with themselves and others.  An authentic person recognizes their own Equality within the human condition, and that the life force is Equal in All, therefore each one has Equal value.  An authentic person would not seek to deceive another, or portray a false character in order to achieve a selfish objective, nor will they allow themselves to be directed and controlled by fear in any way.

Authentic people readily accept their Equal Responsibility within society and relationships, and would not wish to be inferior or superior or a master or a slave.  An authentic person would not willingly diminish, belittle, bully, ridicule, shame, abuse, deceive or harm another person.  An authentic person would gladly share and communicate with others in the desire to cooperate and understand so that a solution can be found that best suits everyone, including those not present.    

An authentic person is humble and sincere, embraces change, and does not react in fear.

An authentic person will rather address the source of a problem, as opposed to treating only the symptoms.

It is to our shame that our financial system forces people who are less fortunate to be Inauthentic in order to survive.  Simply put, be Inauthentic or Die... says the capitalistic mentality.  This is the direct result of our collective negligence and deliberate refusal to take responsibility to create a solution that supports Life in Self-honesty, and this is why we all deserve the death that comes to everyone.  We have not been Honest with ourselves.

The solution is simple.  Learn to forgive ourselves, correct and change ourselves so that we can realize how to live in a way that supports Life.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Inauthentic within my words, and how I place myself insincerely within relationships in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Inauthentic within my relationship to myself, in that I have not investigated deeply into myself in order to see the starting point of why I have allowed myself to deceive myself, which is fear of loss.  Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of loss, as loss of possessions, loss of finances, loss of relationships, loss of beliefs and opinions, and loss of character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create Inauthenticity within my world by way of allowing false characters to exist, and so justify their behavior as valid and excusable through spitefulness to Life as a Whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get away with being Inauthentic and Self-dishonest. I realize that there is in fact no way to escape myself, and that I will eventually have to face my own dishonesty, as the disgrace and dishonor that it is.  Within this, I realize that this life that I live, is my One opportunity to Forgive myself, so that I may correct myself and change, so that All Life may be Free from Enslavement.


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