Day 372 - Positivity, Negativity and Entitlement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - in early stages - Create within myself vastly over-extended, exuberant states of Positivity, where I create and project wild illusions, rushing ahead of the process without understanding the full context of the physical process of creation - and what is the priority - as firstly, before self interest, in order to change our world, I/we must stand as Equals to create what is Best for All Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - in latter stages, when my hopes and wild expectations are dashed - Create Negativity, being upset, and frustrated to the point of giving and up giving in. This opposed to, realizing that I have not fully understood or realized how the physical process of creation works, and that many fascinating potentials can open up which I had not ever considered, if I persist in the path of realization of Equality as the Solution to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - not follow through - pushing myself through resistances (within trusting myself that I have Equal value as Life) to the extent that I reach a break through in some way, such as a realization, a connection, an opening of doors, or opportunities, or an effective movement in the direction of expanding the principle of Equality in some way that creates change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Entitled to (limiting) personal belief systems, where I believe that 'Everyone is Entitled to their own opinion' and it is okay to have personal beliefs in spite of what is actually physically real and able to be tested as Best for All Life or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Entitled because someone else has granted me the belief that I have the right to feel and believe that I am Entitled to something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Entitlement is based on the ideas that someone else is responsible, or that I am somehow better than or more deserving than others, which is obvious self deception.    

Day 371

Feb 14

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am just copying others as what I have learned within process material and videos. I see this as a fear of being fake/superficial/not real with myself, and that this is unsubstantiated, and besides the point of actually moving myself to apply whatever tools are necessary to change myself. Additionally I can modify the techniques in a way that suits my approach best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am imposing myself on others or forcing myself on others, and within that I realize that the only way I can determine if I am becoming overbearing is if I am inwardly stable and moving within self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have no particular special ability. I realize that this simply means there is more to myself to be discovered, created, tested, and worked out in physicality - and this is no excuse not to make an effort, as an honest effort will have an honest reward, if I am honest with myself.

Within these points I am grateful for the opportunities I have for learning how to change myself in real time, and I realize that that is only possible with perspective in alignment to the actual nature of reality and the process.   

Day 370

Feb 13

I must apologize for my lack of consistency and lack of participation. I have been struggling with a variety of issues, and I have become increasingly aware of a vast number of challenges which I must face in all areas of my life. Some of the main points in question are my lack of ability to follow through on my own directives, evasiveness, distraction, fear of letting others down, and a considerable amount of negativity in my approach to problems. There are many other points in addition to these, however these are the most obvious in the context of giving them definition as a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop short of my goals without following through thoroughly enough to see things through to my objectives. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to plan and plot out an effective and reasonable approach to how I will achieve my objectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evasive with myself and so allow myself to escape my responsibilities to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting others down prevent me from performing responsibilities which are required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain a considerable amount of negativity in my approach (thought, words, and deeds) to problems and life in general. I realize that this is a major point which I must work on in order to correct myself in directing myself effectively and solving problems which must be addressed and taken care of.

Day 369

Feb 12

Read CJTL day 74 today and found it to be quite a wake up call. It assisted me to see things from a fresh perspective in how I must live forgiveness in each moment of breath as directive principle. I was aware and directing most of my breathing today and it seemed somewhat effortless, yet likely driven by the fear instilled through reading the blog. I feel ready to push myself again into all things process, and I do not expect to again fall victim to reactions or insecurity. Time will tell if this time I am able to honor my commitment to create myself as Life as Equal.

I need to blog, establish DIP again, as well as investigate ways in which I can support and be supported.   

Day 368

Feb 11

List all of my problems

Primarily not following through. Bowling example from my youth.

Selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and lack consideration for others.

Beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others within a belief rather than physical consideration

Trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust of myself.

Uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself within confusion and uncertainty

Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself as who I would be without being directed by fear, or self interest.

Lack of Self Discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity of self discipline where I must push myself and motivate myself to birth myself as life in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in chronic negativity within negative thoughts feelings and emotions which lead to a dead end, where I have allowed myself to believe the lie that there is no solution to the problems I face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self judgment so much that I prevent myself from participating with the group in doing what needs to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ambiguity is a sign of lack of directive principle, where I have allowed a fear to control me into a point of hesitation and uncertainty rather than trusting myself and the support provided to enable me to find a solution to my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Evasive within procrastination, distracting myself from points that need to be addressed, and avoiding doing the work that needs to be done. I commit myself to stop procrastinating and pushing through my resistances in order to accomplish what must be done in my process and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Rebelliousness as a point of doubt or distrust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my past as deep religious programming as an excuse and justification to blind me from seeing my own points of ego and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Reactionary as opposed to being here in breath, and when a point arises which causes conflict within myself, I realize I must at that point stop myself from any reactions, breathe, and take directive principle to create the appropriate solution to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from initial Reactions go into points of Anger, frustration, self Doubt, cynicism, giving up, giving in, and not following through on my commitments to honor Life. I realize that this is a simple common sense point, where I must be prepared for in each moment as within practicing breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the source points which have prevented me from correcting the problems in my life and process, and so allowed points of stagnation within me which have lead to further consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suicidal thoughts, thinking and believing that I can get out of this situation through suicide. I realize that that is not a solution by any means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting others within uncertainty towards my own abilities - this rather than simply trusting myself to do what needs to be done in Equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget and abandon the tools of the process out of fear of creating problems for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my financial situation as an excuse to pity myself and exclude myself from participating in process. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting others down should I have further unfortunate consequences in my life which lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use health problems as an excuse and justification for me not participating with others in process of self forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Addictions as justification for not participating in process and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create extensive compounding manifested consequences for myself, and within that give up because I feel it is too much to handle. I realize I must get support in order to find solutions to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egocentric and selfish, thinking only of myself and not considering others as Equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in suppression and depression. I realize that these states of mind are not conducive to process, and I am able to change myself to be here in breath simply moving myself in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection. I realize that I must change my perspective to that of standing Equal to others as the physical to prevent this mind construct from initiating control over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as Unworthy. I realize that all are responsible for what we have collectively created, and thus I must take responsibility to forgive myself so that I may be here in breath creating myself as equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the Nihilistic personality type. I realize that this personality is that of an Escapist, someone who does not wish to face self, but prefers to take a negative approach so as to avoid confrontation due to fear of standing as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself, in that I have not accepted myself but chosen to judge myself out of my ability to participate in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack focus as a point of me not directing myself to be here in breath in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack directive principle.

Chronic Negativity

Self Judgment

Ambiguous

Evasive

Rebellious

Deep religious programming > Blinded in my ability to see my own points of ego

Reactionary > Patterns of deep unresolved Anger > Frustration > Doubtful > Cynical > Giving up > Giving in > Not following through > Inability to change as the source points/issues has not been fully understood and dealt with effectively

Suicidal

Unable to ascertain my own ability to support others

Keep forgetting tools of the process

Unstable financially

Compounding Health issues

Addictions

Extensive manifested compounding consequences

Suppressed

Depressed

Fear Rejection

Defined myself and unworthy - expand on this

Nihilistic - hopelessness

Lack of self acceptance

Lack of focus

Lack of directive principle

Ancestral behavioral programming

Self worth polarity

Self Doubt

Making many 'mistakes'

Slow

Distracted

Failure

Angry

Blame others

Blaming the system

Survival Defense mechanisms

Vengeful

Fear of judgment

Fear of consequence

Fear of shame

Fear of humiliation

Cynical - Projecting negative outcomes extensively

Not asking for help

Unwilling to let go and move forward

Giving up as a point of protecting myself and others from what I suspect would be harmful consequences... as projected failure, nothing of value, shame. Foreseeing my health problems as a threat, as a major fear within me is having to have others take care of me, as me fearing the revelation that I have not taken responsibility for myself and feeling ashamed within that.

Make video / blog on topics

Words to be lived as physical solutions to each point/construct

Day 367

Feb 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in lust in spite of the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in negativity, synicism, negetive thinking. I will from this point forward move myself positively in the direction that is necessary to be walked in order to correct myself to align with what is best for all life.

Prioritize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect prioritization of my life and process.

hermit syndrome.  

Day 366

Feb 5

Recall being gripped by anxiety when I was younger

I have some time, but have no Inspiration as to what to do ???. Do I really have nothing to give?

Look through my notes to get an action plan

Problem - fear letting others down

Solution - Find a way to support others

Problem - not moving to correction

Solution - address and create the correction in physicality

Problem - stagnation

Solution - Realize any moment can be a point of break through self change, self forgiveness on limitation

Problem - giving up

Solution - address the point of why I am giving up and take myself back to the starting point to begin again trusting myself to not give up

Problem - I have no talent or special ability

Solution - self forgiveness until I realize a point of responsibility or support

Problem - unstable health and finances

Solution - push through resistances and find ways to express Consideration, Confidence, and Awareness

Problem - self doubt

Solution - build self trust through self movement doing little things, stop compromising self honesty

Problem - self honesty not established

Solution - return to starting point of breath

Problem - embarrassed of myself

Solution - self forgiveness on self judgment, realize that I am here and part of existence and committed to creating a world that is best for all

Problem - fear there is nothing I can do

Solution - address through sf, and do something to prove this believe to be a falsity with no valid starting point

Problem - unable to distinguish between mind and beingness within self expression

Solution - return to starting point

Problem - competetiveness

Solution - use competition as a means of becoming aware of reactions and applying self forgiveness and changing in real time

Problem - fear being ridiculed

Solution - sf

Problem - lack of self esteem/self worth

Solution - build self confidence through walking out individual points of self honesty to a point of change

Problem - self worth judged from the point of financial standing

Solution - self forgiveness on self judgment

Day 365

Feb 4

Focus on practical to understand dynamics of environment

I have no particular strengths besides physical strength, which is waning, and what has been programmed.

My whole life has been programmed and trained in competitive thinking, so it is no wonder that I feel a sense of failure. I attempted to spite the system through abstaining from participation, which is how I perceived myself to have won in my mind - seeing and defining those who participated in the game who tried to win as evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mental strategy of believing that I am better than, because I chose to abstain from participating - for fear of rejection and/or losing - while I secretly judged those who participated in the physical as evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as better than/less than and use those judgments as a means of justification in order to win the competition in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on winning and losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation as a consequence of communicating and expressing myself in a way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feelings of anger and resentment, and so use those feelings as justification in order to allow myself to abstain from participation so that I may wallow in the emotions of self pity

Day 364

Feb 2

Part 2

Creating a story

Perspective - Allowing principle to express through me as opposed to me trying to be me as my programmed personality.

Voice Recording - Art gallery inspiration

Create an avenue of expression

Convey a message that can assist

Words - Self honesty, honor

B Quotes CJTL

Calligraphy

Outline Goals

Refocus

Plot the course of expansion, movement, inspiration, motivation

Blowing the lid off of limitation in self investigation and creation

Part 1

Feel much better this morning after what felt like a heart attack last night at 3 am. Apparently it was only acid re-flux/gas. I had pain in the chest, weakness, shaking, shortness of breath, all of which would come and go. I got in my car and began to drive myself to the hospital, which is 40 minutes away. Did not think I would make it, but after driving for about 10 minutes, I began to feel better, so I turned around and came back home. Terrifying experience, and after all I am grateful and relieved. Amazing how acid re-flux and gas can mimic those symptoms. Careful with the coffees.

Redefining words

Day 363

Feb 1

Just realizing in hindsight how things work and are connected down to the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself in moments of distraction. I realize the necessity of breath awareness, as this point demonstrating me allowing myself to be distracted and thus becoming lost in mental activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when I sense a point of turmoil within myself - not address it and immediately move myself to a solution and asking for assistance when necessary - so that I may clear myself and prevent further compounding consequences for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - go into lock-down, inner defense mechanisms, coping mechanisms, isolation, suppression and denial within myself as an outflow of how I created myself in the past within the fear of survival construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the realization of submission to process as a point of trust, where I am certain that I can trust the process, and if it comes to a point of disagreement I realize that the principle is the top priority and not my will as self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must combine all of the tools in conjunction so as to be effective in walking process. That is, Breath Awareness, Not Reacting, Directive Principle, Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Correction whenever necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel justified within the belief that I am right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear offending others.